Posted in State of Mind

Entry 70 – 15/08/2017

9:34pm. I got into my flat not too long ago. I am completely and utterly fagged out from work. I’ve just worked for twelve straight hours without break. Not even a lunch break. My brain has gone on a temporary recession. My body is crying for mercy and my knee is killing me. Yes, I know. I do need to get it checked out. I dislocated my knee bone last week and I have not been to the hospital to check it out. Every step is a struggle and guess what? I have to climb loads of steps at work. Today in particular involved running up and down those steps. And of course, the daily dose of sexual harassment was taken; promptly at that as well. So my knee is worse than it was this morning. I have made a mental note to go get it x-rayed tomorrow before it leads to something else.

Oh yes, what was I saying. Sorry I’m a bit chatty today. It’s 9:34pm. I’m tired out from work. I curse my country, my work place and the peanuts I am being paid. I curse it all. I hadn’t had a meal all day. Not even breakfast. Only a few snacks I have taken. So, I am a bit grumpy. And then this message comes into my phone; from my protégé. If you’re a good and faithful follower, you will remember her from the post of March the 8th.

“I spent most of my day today thinking about my beloved.

I looked at how I’ve managed with this trip all by myself, from the onset with little or no help from people and I owe it all to her. Some will say its common sense but I learnt to be independent from her. I learnt to rely on nobody and expect the worst from people so that every act of theirs exceeds my expectation.

And when I look at how far I’ve come, I hear you say ‘well done, my daughter, you have learnt well'”.

I think I am good for something after all. *blushes severely* I lied. I know I am good for something. This her message to me spoke to my mind differently. I am not yet where I want but I am getting there. And curse as I may my work place. Stressed as I may be everyday for peanuts pay, it is unavoidably the starting point to where I am going. So I am back to my favourite Eminem’s lyric:

Hush little baby don’t you cry, everything is gonna be alright,

Stiffen that upper lip up, little lady, I told ya

Daddy’s​ gonna hold you for tonight

I know momma’s not here, and you don’t know why

I can feel how you feel inside

It might seem a little crazy, little baby

But I promise

Everything’s gonna be alright… “

Thank you OLA, you mean a lot to me. And you made my day today.

Posted in State of Mind

You Left Us (The End)

Today is the day. The final day. The day your loved ones will get to see you for the last time. 

I woke up abruptly this morning aunty at around 3am. I don’t know why I woke up. It certainly wasn’t for midnight toilet visits. I looked at my phone and the date read as twenty-first of July. It sounded familiar in my head. But I wasn’t sure what was going on today. I ransacked my brain and finally determined that today was no one’s birthday. I gave up and went back to sleep.

At about a little over 8am, I checked my phone again while at work to be sure I wasn’t missing anything. You see it was bugging my mind that I was forgetting something important. And there I saw it, the reminder for your funeral service.

I am not able to attend your funeral and I didn’t attempt to ask for permission from work. I am sure I would have gotten it. I don’t just want to let you down one last time. I feel like I have done enough. Maybe I am chicken-hearted. Maybe I am not brave. But I cannot see your husband yet. I cannot see you lying there in that cold, hard, beautifully decorated wood, dead. I cannot see your shrunken body. I cannot watch your child call out mummy during the funeral procession. I cannot hear them sing “fading away, like the stars of the morning”.

I am afraid I will let out too much tears. So I prefer to just throw myself into work.
Work was stressful today aunty. I worked like a robot just to keep my mind occupied. I worked until my body started aching me. I feel nauseous and feverish and still it didn’t work. I closed at 5:15pm only to get back to the thoughts I thought I had escaped from.

Has it only been a month and three weeks since your passing? I still feel it you know, like it was last week. Time and time again my mind flashes back. Wondering how your son is doing? Wondering how your husband is doing? Oh aunty, you are so selfish! You couldn’t just hold on a bit? I know you were in so much pain but really couldn’t you just hold on? Do you have any idea what your husband looks like now? I fear he might follow suit. It was only six years of marriage of which the past one year was a nightmare. He loved you. I know he did. I mean who will not love you. 

I’m sorry aunty. I didn’t mean to shout at you. I’m transferring aggression now, yeah. 
Your desk at father’s office; it was empty the last time I went there. Please come back and sit there. I miss you. I miss hearing your voice. I miss your smile. I miss the brown coat you always wore. When I am passing by your house, I wouldn’t occasionally bump into you again. Maybe I should have made an attempt to go. Maybe I should have just braved it all. Maybe I should have been stronger instead of crying salty tears in my room alone.

The thought of a heavenly miracle then gave me hope even when I knew that scientifically you were nearing the end. I guess now it appears that I just wanted to hold on to something. 

The sun has set.

The curtain has been drawn.

A chapter of life is closed.

The grave has been filled up with sand.

The slab has been set.

Here lies the body of a woman who I loved and was loved by everyone else. 
Adieu aunty!

Posted in State of Mind

I’m Yours

“Every fear hides a wish” – David Mamet

Tomorrow cannot be Monday. Tomorrow cannot be Monday. Tomorrow cannot be Monday. I only just started my weekend. Now I know exactly how all those workers feel when they make memes about Mondays and weekends. I always thought it was a bit too exaggerated. I mean I did final year of course and had no problem with Mondays. Absolutely none. Everyday was the same to me. 

In final year I was striving for something I wanted. A personal goal. But at work, you’re striving to achieve someone else’s goal. I mean since I am not the owner of the company so it’s not my goal. I am just coming to work and fulfilling my duties just to get paid. 
I wonder if I will feel like this all through my working life till I reach retirement age. Perhaps when I have my own company, I might start to look forward to Mondays again.
I am so bored right now. I don’t even know why I am writing. I am pretty sure this will be my most incoherent and uninteresting post yet. 

Today is unlike any day I have had for the past two months. Usually my day is so jam-packed with activities that keep me so busy that by the time I am done, all I have to do is fall asleep till the next day. Today is different. I did all I could possibly do with my free time yesterday. How silly of me. I should have left some chores for today.

So I go to church and come around noon. I already have a pre-cooked meal so I just warm it up, I dry the washed dishes, watch a movie and I check the time, it is still 2pm. I watch another movie and time suddenly has decided to stand still. I am out of what to do. I don’t look forward to going back to work tomorrow but I also do not want to be idle. I try to read a book, I drop it. Pick up another one, I drop that one too. Now I properly understand why listlessness is defined as having or showing little interest or no interest in anything. I do not even want to write anymore. Since I am out of things to do, I have decided to do something risky. I decide to post a sample of an imagination my very perverted brain churned up. 

I do this dance everyday. It’s impossible to sleep without going through the motions of this dance. Today I have refused to give in. But how can I not? It’s my lullaby. My brain is messed up I know that. But for my sanity and the peace of everyone I have to do this dance. They say insomnia causes irritability. I do not want to resort to benzodiazepines therefore this is my own form of sedative. I daydream it, and then I gradually fall asleep.




I close my eyes, this time we are at our house by the sea side. I hear the sound of the waves crashing over the shore. Breeze drifts in through the door kept ajar. You lounge against the door propped open, regarding me intensely. I squirm on the sofa, rather uncomfortable at the attention. Your sculpted lips twitch then, into a careless smile. 



For a brief second, I imagined bringing that chiseled jaw of yours down on mine and crushing my lips against yours. Only that you wouldn’t let me do that. Or rather I was currently immobile as you had me sprawled apart and bound to the sofa. I was yours to command. I sighed longingly and deeply then.

Of course, from the arrogant curve of your lips, you knew exactly what I was thinking. 


“Oh Alia…

You never learn do you. You can only sigh when I want you to.”


Your eyes blaze like the biblical furnace that I have heard stories of, and I feel your hunger as your eyes roams freely from my bosom and my desire tightens across my belly. 


In three short strides, you covered the distance between us. 



My gaze lingers at your folded sleeves, unbuttoned collar and loose tie, admiring the rippled rail-like tracks on your arm and imagining what it would feel like to unfasten the rest of your buttons and pull you free of them. They are only just blocking my view of course. I realised then, that I was staring. 



I heard a low growl and you sank into the sofa, your teeth nipping at my ears slowly and torturously. Your arms coiled around my waist, tightening possessively as you cradled my back. Your lips zigzagged it’s way from my ears to the tip of my nose, back to my eyelids. I moaned. I needed to feel your lips on mine now.


He tasted of lemon, gin and reckless abandon, and my lips parted instinctively as his tongue slid into my mouth. His kiss was forceful and I found myself slipping under his control, my body moulding against his as I quake under the heat of our embrace.

His tongue flicked against my teeth repeatedly, almost lazily, and my mouth opens wider, welcoming him in. 


He accepted, his tongue briefly skimmed around mine as if afraid to go any further, then he thrust his tongue deeper, drawing mine into his mouth and capturing it with a languid suction. My knees buckled at the reaction, he steadied me and pressed me closer, his body bracing me. His hand slipped from my waist to the small of my back. The intimacy of the gesture spurred my action and my fingers tangled into his curly hair as I held on to the kiss, certain I would fade to nothing without feeling his body crushed against mine.

The windows adrift brought in cold air, my already hardened nipples stiffened in response.

Okay… I think I can’t afford to go any further. When I am brave enough again, I will let you folks know.
Peace!!

Posted in State of Mind

Friday 7th July, 2017

Firstly, there are so many things I hate; of which being taken for granted is chief amongst them. And that seems to be coming around a lot this week. 

This was my original intention for this post. To cuss and fuss and moan until I have exhausted all the anger in me. Well that is not going to happen this time around. I am just going to say something short. I am thoroughly and totally exhausted. I have had a particularly stressful day today at work and this week in general has been exhausting. So please dear Lord, if you indeed love those whom you have created, do not send some more temptation my way because they wouldn’t know what hit them. Thank you for answers to my prayers. Amen.

Secondly, I am at that point in 2017 where I desperately need a time machine. Only, if I could turn back time to 2013 in particular. There are a lot of things I could have avoided that would have prevented the mess I find myself in called life in 2017. You see my actions and inactions are having a side effect on those I love. Everyone says I would have been a different person if I hadn’t taken those steps back in 2013 which brought me here now. While this might be true, at least I would have been able to sleep soundly. I would have been able to live my life without a guilty conscience. 

But since I cannot perform that invention so quickly. All I have is a refrain from one of my favourite musicians to hold on to;


“Hush little baby don’t you cry, everything is gonna be alright, 

Stiffen that upper lip up, little lady, I told ya

Daddy’s​ gonna hold you for tonight

I know momma’s not here, and you don’t know why

I can feel how you feel inside

It might seem a little crazy, little baby

But I promise

Everything’s gonna be alright…”


Please someone should be nice and send me an ice-cream. Sugar popcorn as well too. I have no idea where to get a proper cheap ice-cream in this Abeokuta.

Posted in State of Mind

You Left Us

I had known you all my life. You had been one of father’s dedicated employees. I don’t know how but you became more than just a face I knew among the other faces. I didn’t get to see you as often as I liked as I became older because of societal commitments but the few times I did, we always had a good laugh. I remember your voice. You always said: “this girl you have not changed”.

When I was told you were ill and I got told of the symptoms. I knew it wasn’t gonna be easy. I didn’t just know how bad it was going to get. On my first sunday back, I was able to see you, at least you hadn’t lost your smile then. But you had lost a lot of weight. You were about the same size that I was. You always talked of losing weight but I didn’t want you to lose it this way. I’m sure you already knew didn’t you? That’s why you kept saying you’ll slim down and come and collect all my clothes.

The day before I went to see you for the last time. I heard stories that made my heart bleed for you. I knew they were true but I refused to believe them. I couldn’t understand how you could suffer so much. That night I tried calling someone, anyone that I could talk to. Because I was slowly losing my mind. No one was available as at then. It was as if all the stars were laughing at my expense. The next morning, very early I got up and I went to see you at the clinic. I don’t know if I had just made a big mistake. I didn’t want to remember you that way. You were the big, ever smiling, bubbly aunty who teased me all the time. 
You didn’t look like that. That wasn’t you. I know that often family and friends of a terminally ill patient often hang on to the last thread of hope. But looking at you, I knew that it was gonna be the last time I was going to see you. I looked at you and I knew that you knew. You started crying almost as if you thought the same thing. I can never forget the last thing you said to me “my sister has come to see me”.

What pained me more is not that you died. What pained me is that you suffered a lot before you died. Wouldn’t it have been better if you died as a child? Wouldn’t it have been better if you even died when it was just a stage one? But no, you had to live and suffer up until you got to the worst part of stage four. Did God really have to keep you this long just for you to suffer and die? 
What do you want me to say to your son now when he’s older. The only memories he’s gonna have is of a hospital room, the constant blood loss and transfusion, your broken bones, the smells, the lesions and your intermittent cry for a pain relief.
I thought God forgives. I know you had rough teen years but why did He have to make it come back and bite you in the ass. After everything you did. After all your years of service. Even to get married was a struggle and when you finally did, to have that one child was a struggle. Hadn’t you suffered enough already. I would think that He wouldn’t punish you further. 

Remember you said you wanted my clothes and shoes. You were supposed to get well and come and wear them. Remember we were supposed to see when you got back from treatment. Why didn’t you get well? Why? 

I’m sorry I never to got to buy you at least the nice present you always wanted before you died.

I’m sorry that you had to go through so much pain and suffering.

I’m sorry for not coming to see you everyday. I was selfish. I didn’t want the image of your sick, bedridden and emaciated self in my memory. I only chose to remember what I wanted to remember. 

I’m sorry that there was no money to have sent you for treatment earlier. Perhaps it would have reduced your pain a little.

I’m sorry that most of the money was used on my education. If I didn’t want expensive things, there would have still been money.

I’m sorry that you didn’t get to see your miracle child grow. 

I’m sorry that we never had a picture together.

I’m sorry for making my faith waver when it did.

I’m sorry for hoping for the worst even before you died.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t prayerful enough.
I’m sorry I can’t even grieve properly now because I am doing some stupid training.

I’m sorry dear aunty. I truly am. Would you forgive me? Please say yes. Should I offer you a bribe? Please forgive me aunty. I promise to find a means to take care of your son as I would do my own child. I promise that I would never let him suffer. I heard that where you are now is a better place. I want to believe so too. I know you’re no longer suffering and that your smile is back. But aunty, it’s hard. It’s just so hard for me to let you go. I’m selfish for wanting you to come back right? Okay then, enjoy. I hope to able to see you again one day.

Posted in State of Mind

Dear Karma

It is said that in complex systems, cause and effect are often distant in time and space. If applied to life as we know it, Karma is the bridge that connects time and space; it adjusts effect to cause. So Dear Karma, you are indispensable. I am grateful for the opportunity you gave; to witness you thwack those who were long overdue. 

However, Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed;

The heartless boys who wiped out a family with just a grinding stone.

The citizens who have resorted to oil bunkery as a means of gaining wealth.

The Rivers state government; for seeing air pollution on the rise and turning a blind eye.

The law upholders who decided that it’s humane to sentence eleven and twelve year olds to death for manslaughter.

The man who thinks it’s okay to swindle his inept business partner who struggles just as much as he does.

The woman who thrives on others misfortune and unhappiness and goes around causing mayhem.

The police officer who “accidentally discharged” a gun on a man who was the breadwinner of his family because of chump change.

The university tutor who failed a medical student because she looks young and can afford to delay for one more year.

The child predator who thinks it is his right to sexually abuse a twelve year old girl because her parents are insouciant.

The thugs who raped a bride while her groom watched on the night of her marriage consummation.

The sexual predators who feel it is funny to rape a lady in broad daylight and in a public place only because no one can stop them or do anything about it.


Dear Karma, I have a list of people you have unjustly treated;

The man by the roadside; I see you, you make your bed on cement and blocks.

The woman at the junction; Your clothes are fashioned out of bean bags and leaf tendrils.

The girl barely out of her toddler stage of life by the street corner; with a crate of sachet water under the scorching sun.

The boy with the boots and barrow; nails deep into the grime hoping for some sort of lost treasure mistakenly tossed out.

The teenager at the hospital; pregnant with twins who would never have a father or a grandfather because she was disowned.

The father with seven children; who cannot appreciate a gift given to him by his child because he doesn’t deserve it. He has failed them afterall.

The family of eight; living in a 50m square foot room. With a cloth tied on a string as an excuse for a changing room.

The little boy, barely five years of age with a large basin of vegetables balanced on his little head missing school so that he can help his widowed mother with the farm.

The girl who is afraid of marriage, people and the world at large because daily she watches her father sink deeper into the quicksand called life and marriage.

The boy born autistic in an African community, he didn’t even have a fighting chance before he was labelled a witch and abandoned.

The young girl with a dream of ruling the world forced into a child marriage with a man thrice her age.



Dear Karma, what did they do?

 
Is your half brother Nemesis poisoning you with his evil dispensation too?

Why would you let a righteous man curse out loud?

Why would you let a woman who has suffered so much in her marriage continue to suffer? I know it’s for better for worse but when is it ever going to get better?

Why would you let an intelligent student’s hope of furthering her education get sour and then thrown in the garbage by those long overdue for retribution?

Why would you let that young doctor get so frustrated enough to commit suicide?

Why would you let those young men who had a potentially bright future die at the hands of those lawless men and women who decide that jungle justice is an appropriate thing?
Dear Karma, please do as you see fit speedily.

Posted in State of Mind

Excusé Moi?

What is the deal with parents?

I do not know if this is a characteristic of all parents or if it’s just particular to Africa. 

Why do they feel the need to control every aspect of your life irrespective of your age?

Why do they feel like their opinions actually matter?

Why do they feel like their decisions should be the standing constitution of the house. Now I understand the house is owned by them but I only feel it’s reasonable to respect every other member of the house irrespective of their ages.

So I am from a very religious home. Actually religious doesn’t cut it. It’s borderline extremism. To make matters worse, my parents are high ranking pillars in the church community.

Growing up, there were a lot of laws we had to keep up with. And you had to practice all of them or face the wrath and disappointment of your parents. It would have been better to just have a book and put them all in like the Nigerian Constitution. 

One of such laws happened to have something to do with watching movies on “the devil’s box”. We were not allowed to put on the TV without appropriate permission. And if my parents were away or travelled, we couldn’t switch it on no matter how long they are away for. Now the “devil’s box” wasn’t considered sinful but it wasn’t considered holy either. 

So as kids, my older siblings usually buy the DVD’s and then we secretly watch them when my parents were away. It wasn’t anything bad. They were just movies under the action genre. Mild violence scenes, had almost no sexual explicit content, I even dare say it was educational to some extent. And for all those days, my parents never asked if the TV was switched on. I guess they must have had implicit faith in us. 

Now, there were a few movies that my parents approved of and let us watch. A certain day, my parents were out for a couple of hours and they gave the nanny money to go get a new movie. Usually in the days of cassettes and tapes, you buy a movie, go home, try it on to see if it works or needs an exchange.

On that fateful day, we did exactly that. It worked, so we switched the TV off. My parents came home and then asked if we switched on the TV. I was a truthful child back then and being truthful cost me some hours of recreation time.

After that incident, you best believe that I learned how to lie. It saves you from a lot of stress.

Fast-forward to today, a somewhat similar thing happens. We gather around watching a late night TV show and having our dinner. 

My father raises hell, threatens to break the TV, speaks about the carnality involved in watching TV after returning from church. I tried to be patient and understand it from his point of view but it really wasn’t making sense. As old as I am? Okay forget me, as old as the people I am watching with are? You want to control them too because it’s your house? You really want to take away the one thing that brings the family together? The one thing we all share in common. Go ahead then. I dare you.

I am not that obedient, naive child anymore. I have grown. I do not want to defy you, so please do not force me to. I hate to be rebellious. I am not a TV freak, but sharing a common ground with my family is a scarce commodity. So I’m gonna seize this available opportunity.

I truly am sorry. 

I am sorry I don’t care what you think. This is what I feel like doing this exact moment.

I am sorry but I like to be preoccupied with my phone or TV while having my dinner.

I am sorry father, not today. I haven’t got time for that. Now please excuse me while I go back and eat my fish.

Posted in State of Mind

Do I Believe In Horoscope?

Today is well, unusual for two reasons. Firstly, I am trying to decide if this is actually a throwback post or a contemporary one. I wrote this post in October 2016 but never got the chance to put it up. 

Secondly, I feel quite content today. It’s a great day after all.

I have never been much interested in the balance that people say exist between the universe, your birth dates and lifestyle. My birth star describes me as hardworking, highly motivated, focused, has a lot of patience, self-reliant amongst other things. Earth as we know it is a funny place. If I could find the creator of the lifestyle associated with each birth month, I will like to ask him or her on what basis this theory was founded. Because my life is somehow the complete opposite of what is expected of those under the Taurus sign. 

I find myself drifting far from the word “motivation”. I feel like I am on the titanic and just like Jack was, I am trapped in a room handcuffed to an iron pole. I’m very confused at the moment, and I don’t know what is confusing me. Okay that may be a slight untruth. I do know. I haven’t just been able to collect my muddled feelings in one big box. Let’s give it a try shall we?



Family or Friends?

By family I mean those whose bloodlines I share. Family lasts forever they said. Family is not an important thing, it’s everything they said. But what happens when your friends have inadvertently become your family? What happens when your friends give you something your family couldn’t provide. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my siblings, I would remove the clothes off my back and offer it to them if necessary. But I think family is overrated some of the time. I feel this way because I have never made a big decision in my life that didn’t involve an extravagant thought process; “what will my family think?”, “will they just criticise me like every other time?” “Will they try to stop me?” Etc. Now I am about to make a big decision yet again, I find my friends yet againencouraging me to and my family encouraging me not to. Will there be anytime where I make choices without considering family ties and bloodlines and reputation?



Relationships

I am utterly confused. Is it possible to like two people at the same time? And each receiving love with equal fervour. Okay I’m probably a bit foolish because both are actually far away. Realistically speaking, I shouldn’t even be considering any of them. The more I think about it, the more the likelihood of any working out decreases. There is too much work and effort I’ll have to put in to be in a relationship with any. Relationships always involve some form of sacrifice I know, but is that sacrifice actually worth it? Would it be worth it in the end? Yes, maybe I just overthink things a lot. Okay, I will shut my mouth now but if things change in the future I just might let you know.

On the bright side, Taurus born are ardent members of the sarcastic squad. Taurus born are friends who offer good advice, I guess there’s finally some truth to the analysis. Or not…

Posted in State of Mind

And The Man Died (Part 2)

I think the pit of misfortune circling me is getting deeper as the year 2017 gets older. I think I’m getting tired of writing sad stories on this blog all the time. But what can I do? It’s not like I have anyone else to talk to. 

I started off today beautifully. That should have been the warning signal. I almost never start the day well. But I was quite optimistic today, I slept one hour longer than I usually sleep at night so that was a good start to the day. I was happy, I was going to pay a visit to my primary school and enjoy the feelings of nostalgia a little bit. I did. 

It was a beautiful experience, it felt good to talk about what I’ve achieved. Afterall, it had been twelve years. My school motto is “laying a solid foundation” and back then I never understood the meaning or the impact the knowledge I gained there would mean in the future. It sounds a bit exaggerated but it’s true. I think the most important lesson I learned was the ills of procrastination. So in my final year of primary school, I was given an assignment. I put off doing it for a long time until the day of submission came. That morning before going to school, I had wanted to do it but I procrastinated and decided to do it during the lunch period in school. First thing that day, was the submission of the assignment and I had nothing to present. Ladies and Gentlemen, you best believe that I was effectively and thoroughly “thrashed” on my butt. I was the senior prefect afterall. I was supposed to show good example. Going further, let’s just say I started way earlier than normal to start any assignment after that. That was a very necessary skill during my university days.
 

Back to today; so I just discovered that my whole life was a lie a few weeks ago. I thought things definitely couldn’t get any worse than that. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only was my life a lie, but the life of my benefactor is also in great danger. 
Previously, there’s been a number of health problems he’s been plagued with due to stress, anxiety and all that. There was always the faint glimmer of hope that perhaps someday things will get better. There will be no worries anymore. He was always hanging onto a slim thread of hope, that little ray of sunshine each new story told him brought.

He’s a contractor for a rather large firm, and because he’s so high up the chain, he was responsible for a number of business transaction inflows and outflows. It all started in 2015. The one that will break the camel’s back. He took up a potentially huge contract that was too good to be true. Fast forward to 2017, that contract hasn’t yet been fulfilled. In the space of two years, he threw everything he owned, everything he had, everything the company had, even a little bit of reputation and at the end it was all in vain.

It was discovered that there really was no contract all along. It has been a scam all this while. So how do I tell him? How do I break the news to him? How would he take it? He’s been emotionally and psychologically drained. I do not know if he can handle it. I do not think he can handle it. 

He will lose everything that means the world to him. His biggest fear in life will become a reality. But the biggest issue is his reputation. He’s bankrupt, he’s dipped his hands in places he wasn’t supposed to dip into, and the debt is mountain high. This debt could potentially ruin him and I can do nothing about it. He’s become bankrupt because of me and I cannot do anything to help him. And just like him, I’m starting to want to hang onto the sliver of hope that he will bounce back. He will, right?

Posted in State of Mind

Monday 13th March, 2017

I started this blog as a journal. So I do apologise to the readers if occasionally I tend to go too personal. So today, I heard a particularly disturbing news. It’s disturbing because I discovered that my whole life was a lie. I discovered that without willing to do so, I’ve become indebted to people I had never wanted to mingle with. 

If I had known that this was the price I had to pay, I would never have made the choices I made. I would have preferred to suffer. I know someone might say look at how far you’ve come, look at the phenomenal people you’ve met along the way. Well yes, my journey has been smoother than it probably would have been and I love those I’ve met along the way, but how do you expect me to pay such a price. 

It wasn’t enough that I had to do things a certain way. I have had to adjust to a certain lifestyle that wasn’t the lifestyle I wanted for all of my life. And now, I discovered I’ve just been in heaven all this while. It was merely the beginning. I’m not saying outrightly that I regret my gene and heritage, but hearing things like this tends to make someone feel a little bit funny.

Perhaps if I was warned before hand, I might have had a rethink on my life choices. But I was allowed to live a lie. I wonder if you know how it feels to be very much a “slave” all your life. I wonder if you enjoy someone reminding you that you are who you are because of a certain someone. I wonder if you ever imagined that maybe I would like to be my own person someday. 

Maybe it is my fault. Because I have had that nagging feeling for years but I had always dismissed it. I thought maybe the reason you wanted us to behave that way in front of them was because of something entirely different. How wrong I was! Maybe I should have probed you further. I always wondered why you never answered my questions straightforwardly. You were always giving some background story.

Now that my life is barely starting up, and I already have made elaborate plans that may or may not involve my life shareholders, all those plans are now gone with the wind. I’m scared now. Scared of getting married, because I know that whoever I choose or whatever I choose to do will have to be approved by the board. I’m also scared because I don’t want the cycle to continue with my future kids. I have always wished a better life for them than what I had. I just want this cycle to end now. I am tired of it. I know you probably thought it was for the best. It wasn’t… 

Posted in State of Mind

Anecdote

Sometimes I wonder why I waste/(d) my time with you. You’re about as considerate as a gust of wind in the Sahara. Probably one of the most insensitive creatures I’ve ever known.

I was by myself, basking in the euphoria of being finally able to live a carefree life when you popped the question. Let’s be clear that previously I had never even for the life of me thought about you in that way. So when you asked me, I’m just like okay. Maybe I should start treating you like a human being and not an occasional play toy. And then I fell, maybe a bit too hard. 

I mean besides the fact that you’re incredibly talented, your smile could light up any room, your touch sends shivers down my spine and other areas, your lips taste like the morning dew with a hint of cinnamon, your body is a representation of what could be the love child of Adonis and Aphrodite. Your kisses were proof of your love for perfection as I was always left breathless and utterly exhausted when you were finished. What more could I want. You were everything I wanted and more. You were the main composition of all my wet dreams and fantasies. I don’t think a night ever passed by without my imagination going wild at the thought of what you could do to my body.

But now, each passing day, I have noticed your subtle withdrawal. You don’t call or write as you used to. You grow increasingly impatient, I do not get the frequent compliments and love notes anymore. Your sarcastic replies to anything I ask you hurts me more than dysmenorrhea. You play with my feelings all the time and think it’s a funny thing to watch. I smile and laugh because there’s little else I can do. Anything to make us share a “moment” as they are becoming less frequent.

I don’t know if that was your plan all along. To make me fall and then move on. I’m very much used to you now that I do not know what I will do if you ever leave me. I’m much too shy for my own good to come out plainly and ask you. I’m holding unto the hope that just as you used to before, you will be able to see right through this ruse. If you are unable to, then it really is over between us.

Posted in State of Mind

State of Emergency

 

While I am not usually patriotic to my country Nigeria, I consider myself to be very dedicated to its people, hence the reason I agreed to post this. I hope it somehow touches you to make a change in your own small way.

Last night was very restless. At first I thought it was because I had slept so early I had robbed myself of sleeping during the night. However, it was the incidents that had occurred during the day that troubled my mind and my sleep. Since I am not a person of political power or have a high stature in society, my only outlet is my words. 



It is very disheartening to see the state of things in the country. Just earlier on in the day it was on the news that 111 million naira was found at INEC office which was used to rig the December elections held in Rivers State. Yet everyday we hear there is no money and there is a recession in the country. People are struggling everyday to make ends meet, others are denied basic amenities such as food while others eat the wealth that is meant for all. 



Later
on that day, a friend sent me a post of how soldiers were beating up a disabled man. Why? Because he wore camouflage on the street. Agreed it is an “illegal” act but there are more humane ways to deal with such an issue. As men in a position of authority they could have ceased the item of clothing, maybe the man had nothing else, they could have bought him a cheap shirt and so on. But they took him off his wheelchair and choose to disgrace the uniform they were seemingly defending. I saw two men in a position of not only better strength but also of authority, beat up someone who had no physical or economic strength defend himself. 



Finally, the issue
of the black soot in Port Harcourt is still an ongoing problem. What scares me the most is that we breathe in this air. We may not see it now but if this continues, it will pose some serious health risks in the long run. As if we don’t have enough problems, we now have to fight for the air we breathe which God has given free of charge. However, there are people at home who have been paid to allow this madness happen and others who think it is ok to do this. 



Its sad that the human race has come to this, greed, indiscipline, abuse of power and disregard for human life is the
order of the day. Traits as simple as kindness and self respect are rare to come by. So much evil and darkness clouds the hearts and minds of man it’s no wonder that sometimes it seems God has just pushed further away from us. 
I would like to go all spiritual and say the end of the world is near but I know I have not the power to proclaim such words. I do know this, what you sow is what you reap and in life it is how you treat others that is the same way you shall be treated. Do not allow anger and greed force the hand of God towards your direction


There is a lot of work that needs to be done in this country because it has taken a lot of work to destroy its integrity. It will not happen in a day or a year but please people, little acts of kindness and consideration towards other human beings can go a long way. Don’t let brief moments of vanity and earthly pleasures cloud your judgements. #IStandForNigeria.




Acknowledgements: Lateefa Musah