Posted in State of Mind

I Have A Heart Too

I found a poem I love, by a poet I find his work both amusing and beautiful. I thought I should share.

I wake up in the middle of the night
With your thoughts in my head
I dream with open eyes
Lying in my bed
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
Food does not interest me anymore
Your thoughts just fill my mind
I stare into the empty distance
I leave my lunch behind
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
I can’t concentrate on work like before
I am supposed to be reading books
The only thing I can read now
Are your eyes and looks
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
My depression days are far and gone
My insomnia days have come
I am not myself anymore
What have I become?
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
Has my head stopped functioning?
I cannot really tell right now
I can feel my heart beating
I think I’m lost somehow
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too

I wake up in the middle of the night
With your thoughts in my head
I dream with open eyes
Lying in my bed
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
Food does not interest me anymore
Your thoughts just fill my mind
I stare into the empty distance
I leave my lunch behind
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
I can’t concentrate on work like before
I am supposed to be reading books
The only thing I can read now
Are your eyes and looks
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
My depression days are far and gone
My insomnia days have come
I am not myself anymore
What have I become?
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
Has my head stopped functioning?
I cannot really tell right now
I can feel my heart beating
I think I’m lost somehow
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too”

https://franksolanki.wordpress.com/2018/02/04/i-have-a-heart-too/

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Posted in State of Mind

Re-Union?

I recently reconnected with a friend I hadn’t seen for nearly nine years. For the last two months, she had always come to visit me. Almost weekly until she went on Christmas holiday (I thank God for Christmas). I do not want to say I’m tired of hosting her, I really like her but Saturdays and Sundays are my only moments for solitude in the entire week. She isn’t someone to just stay in a room and not talk for hours, she always needs constant attention.

I have put off her coming to visit me since the beginning of the year stating financial problems as the cause. She invited me over to her house, I couldn’t come up with an excuse. I am on my way now to see her and I am already regretting why I sent her that message on Facebook. For the past 48 hours, I have had only 8 hours of sleep, 40 hours of work, 6 shots of gin, one shot of whisky, a body pain and a hell of a headache. In addition to the fact that I am hungry. I haven’t had any thing tangible to eat for the past two days.

The journey to her place is bothersome and ruggedy. I was in a 7 seater Sienna carrying 11 people. I got down at the excuse of a bus park and had to enter another taxi (30 minutes long) to her house. I don’t mind the length of the journey as much as I mind the body of the sweaty passengers on both sides touching me. This time around, it is a five-seater cab carrying eight. In my head, I’m wondering if I just left planet Earth and I’ve been transported somewhere. Again, I’m regretting the Facebook message I sent.

Okay… let’s see if this stress is worth the memorable moments I’m supposedly going to be making.

Posted in State of Mind

Take Me Home

Today is different. Today, Matt will be coming home. It’s been a long time since I last saw him.

I am confused and worried about what I would wear. It’s been a while you see. I am not sure if his preferences are still the same. I am not sure he will like the “dirty” things we usually talk about anymore. And also, I want to give him something he’ll remember. There are two problems though.

Firstly, I feel inept and gauche when it comes to intimacy. My height and stature doesn’t help matters. I always feel like there’s a lot more effort to put in. So I started working out. Increasing my flexibility. I hope he will not find me wanting.

Secondly, I got new pairs of lingerie in addition to other sexual materials that Ann Summers had to offer me. I wear the red. One of his favourite colours.

He comes in at 3:06pm.

Hey!

Hey!! His lips curved into that smile I love so much as his gazed appreciatingly at my body.

I-I just got it newly, I stuttered, and I hope you like it.

Get a grip on yourself!

I decided I would not let nerves take the better of me.

I walked provocatively to him. My small hips swinging from side to side. I have missed you all this while I murmur in his ears. Gently nipping at his ear lobes

Follow me.

He did.

Small victory for me. Yasss!!

I’ve been thinking long and hard about what I’m going to do to you tonight, I said. As I gently pushed him down to the bed.

Oh yeah? He cocked his eyebrow.

Yeah. And I’ve decided on Sexploration.

I straddle him. He stared fixedly at my middle and starts to rub my thighs in that sensual way only him could.

I moan softly. God I missed his touch.

Alia. Get a grip. Don’t let him make you lose focus now.

I shifted my body to feel his hardening shaft, linked our fingers together and lean down as if going for a kiss; stopping just at the corner of his lips.

Don’t worry I whispered. You’ll get your turn.

I could tell he was momentarily distracted. He always loved the fullness of my lips. I swooped in then, held his hands to the bedpost, I pulled out my satin scarf from underneath the pillow and tied him up.

He didn’t say anything but his expression went from shock to excitement in a few seconds.

He smiled lazily. So now you have me bound mistress, what are you going to do to me.

Another look at his inviting mouth made me want to change my mind and have him right there.

I slowly and deliberately went about stripping him of his clothing.

I want you to lay completely limp and let me just explore your body, feel every angle, stoke every hole. Can you do that for me?

He nods gruffly.

Tell me all the dirty little things you do when you masturbate, Tell me everything, baby. Tell me how you play with yourself.

I tentatively reach for his nipples. I could spend hours on your nipples; licking, sucking, and tasting you.

Dear gawd, he moaned out of pure ecstasy.

Shhh… Don’t make a sound until I tell you to… and if you do, I’m going to pause and wait until you can be quiet again, like a good boy that you are.

He nods.

I wet my index finger, swoop in on the right nipple. Drawing circles, stroking back and forth. I could feel him hardening.

I continue to whisper sweet nothings into his ears. Slowly increasing the strokes on his nipple

I love how hard you get when I stroke you.

I want you to whisper in my ears about how this feels.

I work my other hand lazily to his arousal. Teasing the tip, feeling each vein on his bulge, back and forth, back and forth.

His breathing became more audible, his heart rate sped up.

Shhh… Don’t cum until I want you to.

Before you cum, I want you to imagine fingering me with my clothes mostly on…

That wetness on my silky red underwear just like this… I press my middle to the base of his shaft. He moves almost greedily to re-position my entrance where it should rightly be.

Uh Uh.. no.. I said I want you to be completely limp. Now you get punished.

He gritted his teeth and watched me as I climbed off him. I took off my panties and left my bra on with my fish-net thights. I grabbed the chair and positioned myself in front of him so he can have a clear view.

I slant my hips down and raise my legs to the chair. Showing him my wetness.

I took my finger to my lips and sensually licked it. Moaning as I did so. He loved it when I moaned.

I rubbed my clit in deliberate slow circles even as I stared at his arousal grow even bigger.

Matt… your punishment is this. I am going to press my mound against your thigh, drag my lips across your body, tracing every edge and then I am going to find you with my tongue. Taking every inch of you in my mouth….

Dear readers, this is my imagination….. Excusez-moi!

Posted in State of Mind

–Ember Month

It is the end of the year. To some it signifies the coming of a “new” year, to others it signifies yet another time on earth passed, to me it only brings pain and memories I would rather leave forgotten. What is worse is that I go on Facebook and almost everyday those memories pop up on my notifications. I have been in a nasty mood since the beginning of this month November. I have pretty much thrown myself into work to forget about everything but it hasn’t worked. I threw a birthday party for my sister amidst all the philosophical gouging of the eyeballs my work place gives me. The party didn’t go as I “planned” but she was happy and I learned one lesson that day, “you cannot control everything, try as you may.”

This week started and I could feel something ominous lurking around. You see it’s November. I almost can never be happy in this particular month every year. My friends graduated this week and while I am happy for them, I am tired of the bragging. I went through this last year and it was tough on me. I am tired of seeing “the first class degrees”. I am sick of seeing “the jobs on LinkedIn” that they are picking up as soon as graduation is over. I do not think they are better than me and I know the saying it’s now how swift the race is run but how well…

But I’m human and it really is hurtful seeing their success when I am still trying to find my feet. You see, November was when I received the shocking news that I had to leave my first love. I thought I was over that but I received a text message this week from my love asking me what I wanted to do with my crap that I left behind. I was shocked at first, then I became furious. Here I was thinking about my first love all the time and I was ultimately just getting ditched. You see by leaving my crap behind, I was grasping for straws. I made a decision then to move on with my life, without love or getting attached.

I had to start by ending my second love. It was getting irritating. I hated myself for how I felt with my second love. I hated not being in control of my feelings. I hated how I even feel now that I’ve ended it. I had been making my plans since Wednesday. But seeing him that day made it so much harder on me. I at first was making up excuses to not see him but I decided to go anyway, to also remove his stuff from my place. Well so I thought right.

I know. I am just a wimp. I am simply ending our friendship because I am afraid of what the future holds. Because I am afraid that maybe yet again, I will be snatched away. Because I am afraid that fate who hates me so much you would almost think I stole her man, will play some evil trick on me as she has done in the past.

By Friday midday I had made up my mind to say goodbye. I was in a stink of a mood all that morning. Not because I wanted to be but because I thought my heart was going to be ripped out of my chest. Yeah, I guess I loved that much.

Dear readers, do you know what this wimp did? First of all, she sends an email. Secondly, she gave crappy excuses as the reason for ending things.

By evening, I was beginning to run a temperature. I took permission and left work an hour earlier because I thought I was going to faint. You see I was already growing dizzy. My mind was working as a clock. I was wondering how and when I was going to do it. Fate handed me a card I guess, and I, the wimp took that as an opportunity.

It’s hard. It really is hard. I have slept six hours straight this afternoon to get my mind off things and I still feel like a dumpster truck. I guess it’s my punishment. Maybe I should have adhered to the lesson I learned with my sister’s party.

I did mean some of the excuses I made up. But it is not enough for me to abandon this friendship. They are things that could be worked around and they are also things that have been settled. I guess I am just tormenting myself now by continuing to blather on.

Posted in State of Mind

The Woman and the Kid

It’s been a long time since I visited this space; sixteen days actually. A lot of things have happened since then, some weird and unexplainable, others surprising. I’ve had a writer’s bloc for a long time now. Funny how that sounds seeing as I am not a writer. What brought me to this space today is what I would call a work of fate and/or coincidence.

At a little over 5pm, I got called by my neighbour. I initially planned to ignore her because I really didn’t have the strength to leave my room and go down the stairs. I grabbed my keys anyway and went to talk to her. As I came out, over the fence, I saw a ragged looking lady with something on her back that I later discovered was a baby and a malnourished frightened child carrying a worn out bag by her side. I noticed her mouth moving and to my greatest surprise, I realised she was talking to me. I went closer and still couldn’t make out her words. I went further to the fence almost touching it to figure out her words.

“Please, I am looking for work, can you help me?”

“What kind of work? What can you do?”

“I can do anything, wash clothes, clean the house…”

I looked her over properly and realised that the thing on her back was human and it was a baby. Her features amazed me. She looked like a woman who was constantly abused. She was shrivelled and dried up but she couldn’t be more than thirty years of age. Her voice wave length was tiny and wavered. I don’t know if it is a result of a destroyed vocal chord or terror. I hoped I was wrong about either. I opened the gate and ushered her in. Now here’s the problem, I didn’t have any work for her. I cook, clean and wash myself but I could not for the life of me send her away. She was not really my problem, her kid who carried the bag was.

What first struck me about the child was that he was frightened of adults. At least that is what I deduced. He stood a good eight feet away, shifting uncomfortably anytime we got closer. Now kids are kids. When they come to a new place, they hold on tighter to their parents. So I wondered why he was staying away. I wanted to test my theory further and moved forward with his mother and he moved back until there was no more room between him and the fence. He kept sipping the water in his hand even though it wasn’t hot.

It almost felt as if his mum was about to sell him into slavery and he was at that distance ready to bolt.

I called another neighbour over to see if she needed someone to do a few odd jobs for her. To my greatest happiness, she did and to my greatest surprise, she knew the lady. We talked then. And from what I could make out from her inaudible voice, she was given money to set up a business by a Christian charity and my neighbour happened to be the volunteer who went with her to look for viable options. Well, to cut the long story short, her husband didn’t let her. He took the money from her and doesn’t give her money for feeding. I was sad. I had heard and read of stories like hers but I had never been up close and personal with one. I looked at her again and noticed how dry her chest was and how the baby sling was barely holding up. I looked over at the malnourished child again who eyed me warily. They were the victims of constant abuse of which I do not know the nature. Nigeria doesn’t have a shelter for the abused. My sadness became rage.

She was sick. And needed money for treatment. She has been going around looking for a job so that she can foot her hospital bill. We were about to send her away because it’s already evening and my neighbor needed the job done tomorrow but she insisted on doing it today. I knew then that she did not have any money for feeding or for transport. That is if she even took transport here. I am almost positive that they had been trekking for a long time.

She said in every suffering she gives thanks to God that she is alive. I admired her faith and tenacity. But I wondered why she will want to live on in her current circumstance. Isn’t death a more welcome alternative?

She said any money she gets from her hustling she wouldn’t give her husband again. I knew then that it was a lie. It always is.

I gave her money to go and see the pharmacist so that some kind of reprieve can be offered after she blurted out her symptoms. I wish I was a doctor, I would have given her a free consultation there and then. Going to the hospital will be too expensive for her. I also knew that the money I just gave her would not be used at the pharmacy. Her health is very important to her yes, but at the moment, she needs food. Well, she is coming tomorrow, I will take her to the pharmacist myself if I have to.

I plan to cook something for them tomorrow. I do not like to see hungry people. There was a time I did not have food to eat for long periods at a time. It wasn’t nice.

It is a full moon tonight. Maybe something positive will happen for that woman and the kid soon.

Posted in State of Mind

How To Incite Murder – Episode 1

Please give me a few minutes while I cuss out my neighbours….

So we share a generator; it is the responsibility of all to care for that generator. We get petrol for it, oil for it etc. These buffoons had collectively decided that I should be the designated petrol buyer. I wouldn’t mind as much if they made other efforts concerning this particular generator of ours.

Sometime this week I decided to ignore them. I didn’t buy petrol, didn’t lift a finger for three days. Oh you can be sure they got the drift and went to get petrol.

Fast forward till today. I switch on the generator by 7:30pm and see that the petrol is not gonna last up to three hours. I switch it on anyway, I mean they are closer to it, I am sure they can put it off when the time comes. I mean, I trust them to.

Approximately at a couple of minutes past 10pm I presume, the generator began to make a sound showing that petrol is exhausted. I was already asleep, so obviously I didn’t know what was going on.

These big-headed, self-rigteous douche bags did not move a muscle at the noise. Luckily, somewhere in my dream, I heard the sound, so I jumped out of my dream and ran all the way downstairs like a woman, crazed to turn it off.

I do not know how long it had been going on for before I turned it off, because it was already at it’s dying stage to turn off automatically by the time I reached it.

And then, I heard it, the lot of them cackling like abandoned peacocks in the Serengeti.

So these fools were all awake?

So these fools heard this and did absolutely nothing?

So these fools, five of them, made me almost fall down the stairs?

Even I, was asleep and heard the generator noise in my sleep. I was having a good dream… yeah, that kind of dream.

And this daft children were all laughing and chatting, less than five feet away from the generator.

When I finally switched it off and did the changeover routines, they all came to the window to ask me a stupid question with a tiny patronising voice that would not even arouse an oyster.

“What’s the problem?”

Like the lot of them had never had a generator in their homes before and didn’t know how it sounded when petrol finished.

Oh help me Jesus!

Strange Lingua

*generator – a device that has been saving Nigerian’s lives since the 20th century. Found in almost every space that has a roof and people inside. Including homes, shops, salons, roadside umbrella stands etc.

Posted in State of Mind

CHOICES

Goodmorning.

Happy new month!

Happy Sallah!!

I think it would have been less of a bad omen if I was to start the month of September with positive, uplifting posts. However, this is one of those posts where I just write for the sake of expressing my feelings. Nothing special to see here today.

I didn’t think it was possible to have people around you and yet feel lonely, till this period that is. I am actually quite lonely. I feel like something is missing from my life. A spark of some sorts. A certain happiness that shows even if everything is going wrong. A comforting touch that just feels right. A kind of calm that can only come from deep within. Yeah, I know. Now I am just trying to avoid saying what I really should say.

I can’t, you see. I have too much ego plus there’s that fear of something else. Rejection. I don’t think I can cope with all that so the next best alternative for me to that is to choose my best friend, loneliness.

Well back to the point of today’s story. I have been thinking, long and hard about what I want out of my rather short time on earth. I thought I had a plan about the future. It was a rather grand plan. I wouldn’t call it impossible to achieve but it certainly is a really grand plan. But someone got me thinking; if I do somehow achieve that plan, if I am able to do that, what next? What will I now do for my remainder years on earth?

Obviously, I had no answer. You know since I was little, I had built all my dreams, hopes and aspirations around money, wealth and everything financial prosperity. I wanted to be very wealthy. I cannot begin to explain why it is important for me to be wealthy because it really is laughable. So I just recently discovered that every passion I had, every plan I had ever construed, every unfounded dream all had one thing in common. In them, was me daydreaming about being wealthy, well-known, rich, fearless, authoritarian, kick-ass… I have run out of adjectives to describe my picture in my daydreams.

So now I have to start thinking afresh. I have to start rethinking my choices. To be sincere I am not sure where to start from. I look around and I see the people I love the most already have concrete plans for the future with backups as well. I am trying not to feel inferior to them but it really isn’t working out well. There’s one thing I know however, I want to be happy. Whatever it is that I choose to do, I want it to be free from popular opinion. I want it to be something I’m doing for myself irrespective of how others see it. I want it to be free from parental choices. I hope it can be free from parental choices.

On a lighter note, I am back in the beautiful city where I am sure Yellow fever originated from (Lagos) with its blinding shade of yellow on every side. Do you know the irony of the post I put on about it a few months ago, a couple of days after putting that post on, I discovered to my astonishment that the house I was going to live in for the next one year had its walls painted bright yellow. Fate sure has a strange way of playing with someone’s feelings. Remind me never to criticise anything in the future.

Posted in State of Mind

Entry 70 – 15/08/2017

9:34pm. I got into my flat not too long ago. I am completely and utterly fagged out from work. I’ve just worked for twelve straight hours without break. Not even a lunch break. My brain has gone on a temporary recession. My body is crying for mercy and my knee is killing me. Yes, I know. I do need to get it checked out. I dislocated my knee bone last week and I have not been to the hospital to check it out. Every step is a struggle and guess what? I have to climb loads of steps at work. Today in particular involved running up and down those steps. And of course, the daily dose of sexual harassment was taken; promptly at that as well. So my knee is worse than it was this morning. I have made a mental note to go get it x-rayed tomorrow before it leads to something else.

Oh yes, what was I saying. Sorry I’m a bit chatty today. It’s 9:34pm. I’m tired out from work. I curse my country, my work place and the peanuts I am being paid. I curse it all. I hadn’t had a meal all day. Not even breakfast. Only a few snacks I have taken. So, I am a bit grumpy. And then this message comes into my phone; from my protégé. If you’re a good and faithful follower, you will remember her from the post of March the 8th.

“I spent most of my day today thinking about my beloved.

I looked at how I’ve managed with this trip all by myself, from the onset with little or no help from people and I owe it all to her. Some will say its common sense but I learnt to be independent from her. I learnt to rely on nobody and expect the worst from people so that every act of theirs exceeds my expectation.

And when I look at how far I’ve come, I hear you say ‘well done, my daughter, you have learnt well'”.

I think I am good for something after all. *blushes severely* I lied. I know I am good for something. This her message to me spoke to my mind differently. I am not yet where I want but I am getting there. And curse as I may my work place. Stressed as I may be everyday for peanuts pay, it is unavoidably the starting point to where I am going. So I am back to my favourite Eminem’s lyric:

Hush little baby don’t you cry, everything is gonna be alright,

Stiffen that upper lip up, little lady, I told ya

Daddy’s​ gonna hold you for tonight

I know momma’s not here, and you don’t know why

I can feel how you feel inside

It might seem a little crazy, little baby

But I promise

Everything’s gonna be alright… “

Thank you OLA, you mean a lot to me. And you made my day today.

Posted in State of Mind

You Left Us (The End)

Today is the day. The final day. The day your loved ones will get to see you for the last time. 

I woke up abruptly this morning aunty at around 3am. I don’t know why I woke up. It certainly wasn’t for midnight toilet visits. I looked at my phone and the date read as twenty-first of July. It sounded familiar in my head. But I wasn’t sure what was going on today. I ransacked my brain and finally determined that today was no one’s birthday. I gave up and went back to sleep.

At about a little over 8am, I checked my phone again while at work to be sure I wasn’t missing anything. You see it was bugging my mind that I was forgetting something important. And there I saw it, the reminder for your funeral service.

I am not able to attend your funeral and I didn’t attempt to ask for permission from work. I am sure I would have gotten it. I don’t just want to let you down one last time. I feel like I have done enough. Maybe I am chicken-hearted. Maybe I am not brave. But I cannot see your husband yet. I cannot see you lying there in that cold, hard, beautifully decorated wood, dead. I cannot see your shrunken body. I cannot watch your child call out mummy during the funeral procession. I cannot hear them sing “fading away, like the stars of the morning”.

I am afraid I will let out too much tears. So I prefer to just throw myself into work.
Work was stressful today aunty. I worked like a robot just to keep my mind occupied. I worked until my body started aching me. I feel nauseous and feverish and still it didn’t work. I closed at 5:15pm only to get back to the thoughts I thought I had escaped from.

Has it only been a month and three weeks since your passing? I still feel it you know, like it was last week. Time and time again my mind flashes back. Wondering how your son is doing? Wondering how your husband is doing? Oh aunty, you are so selfish! You couldn’t just hold on a bit? I know you were in so much pain but really couldn’t you just hold on? Do you have any idea what your husband looks like now? I fear he might follow suit. It was only six years of marriage of which the past one year was a nightmare. He loved you. I know he did. I mean who will not love you. 

I’m sorry aunty. I didn’t mean to shout at you. I’m transferring aggression now, yeah. 
Your desk at father’s office; it was empty the last time I went there. Please come back and sit there. I miss you. I miss hearing your voice. I miss your smile. I miss the brown coat you always wore. When I am passing by your house, I wouldn’t occasionally bump into you again. Maybe I should have made an attempt to go. Maybe I should have just braved it all. Maybe I should have been stronger instead of crying salty tears in my room alone.

The thought of a heavenly miracle then gave me hope even when I knew that scientifically you were nearing the end. I guess now it appears that I just wanted to hold on to something. 

The sun has set.

The curtain has been drawn.

A chapter of life is closed.

The grave has been filled up with sand.

The slab has been set.

Here lies the body of a woman who I loved and was loved by everyone else. 
Adieu aunty!

Posted in State of Mind

I’m Yours

“Every fear hides a wish” – David Mamet

Tomorrow cannot be Monday. Tomorrow cannot be Monday. Tomorrow cannot be Monday. I only just started my weekend. Now I know exactly how all those workers feel when they make memes about Mondays and weekends. I always thought it was a bit too exaggerated. I mean I did final year of course and had no problem with Mondays. Absolutely none. Everyday was the same to me. 

In final year I was striving for something I wanted. A personal goal. But at work, you’re striving to achieve someone else’s goal. I mean since I am not the owner of the company so it’s not my goal. I am just coming to work and fulfilling my duties just to get paid. 
I wonder if I will feel like this all through my working life till I reach retirement age. Perhaps when I have my own company, I might start to look forward to Mondays again.
I am so bored right now. I don’t even know why I am writing. I am pretty sure this will be my most incoherent and uninteresting post yet. 

Today is unlike any day I have had for the past two months. Usually my day is so jam-packed with activities that keep me so busy that by the time I am done, all I have to do is fall asleep till the next day. Today is different. I did all I could possibly do with my free time yesterday. How silly of me. I should have left some chores for today.

So I go to church and come around noon. I already have a pre-cooked meal so I just warm it up, I dry the washed dishes, watch a movie and I check the time, it is still 2pm. I watch another movie and time suddenly has decided to stand still. I am out of what to do. I don’t look forward to going back to work tomorrow but I also do not want to be idle. I try to read a book, I drop it. Pick up another one, I drop that one too. Now I properly understand why listlessness is defined as having or showing little interest or no interest in anything. I do not even want to write anymore. Since I am out of things to do, I have decided to do something risky. I decide to post a sample of an imagination my very perverted brain churned up. 

I do this dance everyday. It’s impossible to sleep without going through the motions of this dance. Today I have refused to give in. But how can I not? It’s my lullaby. My brain is messed up I know that. But for my sanity and the peace of everyone I have to do this dance. They say insomnia causes irritability. I do not want to resort to benzodiazepines therefore this is my own form of sedative. I daydream it, and then I gradually fall asleep.




I close my eyes, this time we are at our house by the sea side. I hear the sound of the waves crashing over the shore. Breeze drifts in through the door kept ajar. You lounge against the door propped open, regarding me intensely. I squirm on the sofa, rather uncomfortable at the attention. Your sculpted lips twitch then, into a careless smile. 



For a brief second, I imagined bringing that chiseled jaw of yours down on mine and crushing my lips against yours. Only that you wouldn’t let me do that. Or rather I was currently immobile as you had me sprawled apart and bound to the sofa. I was yours to command. I sighed longingly and deeply then.

Of course, from the arrogant curve of your lips, you knew exactly what I was thinking. 


“Oh Alia…

You never learn do you. You can only sigh when I want you to.”


Your eyes blaze like the biblical furnace that I have heard stories of, and I feel your hunger as your eyes roams freely from my bosom and my desire tightens across my belly. 


In three short strides, you covered the distance between us. 



My gaze lingers at your folded sleeves, unbuttoned collar and loose tie, admiring the rippled rail-like tracks on your arm and imagining what it would feel like to unfasten the rest of your buttons and pull you free of them. They are only just blocking my view of course. I realised then, that I was staring. 



I heard a low growl and you sank into the sofa, your teeth nipping at my ears slowly and torturously. Your arms coiled around my waist, tightening possessively as you cradled my back. Your lips zigzagged it’s way from my ears to the tip of my nose, back to my eyelids. I moaned. I needed to feel your lips on mine now.


He tasted of lemon, gin and reckless abandon, and my lips parted instinctively as his tongue slid into my mouth. His kiss was forceful and I found myself slipping under his control, my body moulding against his as I quake under the heat of our embrace.

His tongue flicked against my teeth repeatedly, almost lazily, and my mouth opens wider, welcoming him in. 


He accepted, his tongue briefly skimmed around mine as if afraid to go any further, then he thrust his tongue deeper, drawing mine into his mouth and capturing it with a languid suction. My knees buckled at the reaction, he steadied me and pressed me closer, his body bracing me. His hand slipped from my waist to the small of my back. The intimacy of the gesture spurred my action and my fingers tangled into his curly hair as I held on to the kiss, certain I would fade to nothing without feeling his body crushed against mine.

The windows adrift brought in cold air, my already hardened nipples stiffened in response.

Okay… I think I can’t afford to go any further. When I am brave enough again, I will let you folks know.
Peace!!

Posted in State of Mind

Friday 7th July, 2017

Firstly, there are so many things I hate; of which being taken for granted is chief amongst them. And that seems to be coming around a lot this week. 

This was my original intention for this post. To cuss and fuss and moan until I have exhausted all the anger in me. Well that is not going to happen this time around. I am just going to say something short. I am thoroughly and totally exhausted. I have had a particularly stressful day today at work and this week in general has been exhausting. So please dear Lord, if you indeed love those whom you have created, do not send some more temptation my way because they wouldn’t know what hit them. Thank you for answers to my prayers. Amen.

Secondly, I am at that point in 2017 where I desperately need a time machine. Only, if I could turn back time to 2013 in particular. There are a lot of things I could have avoided that would have prevented the mess I find myself in called life in 2017. You see my actions and inactions are having a side effect on those I love. Everyone says I would have been a different person if I hadn’t taken those steps back in 2013 which brought me here now. While this might be true, at least I would have been able to sleep soundly. I would have been able to live my life without a guilty conscience. 

But since I cannot perform that invention so quickly. All I have is a refrain from one of my favourite musicians to hold on to;


“Hush little baby don’t you cry, everything is gonna be alright, 

Stiffen that upper lip up, little lady, I told ya

Daddy’s​ gonna hold you for tonight

I know momma’s not here, and you don’t know why

I can feel how you feel inside

It might seem a little crazy, little baby

But I promise

Everything’s gonna be alright…”


Please someone should be nice and send me an ice-cream. Sugar popcorn as well too. I have no idea where to get a proper cheap ice-cream in this Abeokuta.

Posted in State of Mind

You Left Us

I had known you all my life. You had been one of father’s dedicated employees. I don’t know how but you became more than just a face I knew among the other faces. I didn’t get to see you as often as I liked as I became older because of societal commitments but the few times I did, we always had a good laugh. I remember your voice. You always said: “this girl you have not changed”.

When I was told you were ill and I got told of the symptoms. I knew it wasn’t gonna be easy. I didn’t just know how bad it was going to get. On my first sunday back, I was able to see you, at least you hadn’t lost your smile then. But you had lost a lot of weight. You were about the same size that I was. You always talked of losing weight but I didn’t want you to lose it this way. I’m sure you already knew didn’t you? That’s why you kept saying you’ll slim down and come and collect all my clothes.

The day before I went to see you for the last time. I heard stories that made my heart bleed for you. I knew they were true but I refused to believe them. I couldn’t understand how you could suffer so much. That night I tried calling someone, anyone that I could talk to. Because I was slowly losing my mind. No one was available as at then. It was as if all the stars were laughing at my expense. The next morning, very early I got up and I went to see you at the clinic. I don’t know if I had just made a big mistake. I didn’t want to remember you that way. You were the big, ever smiling, bubbly aunty who teased me all the time. 
You didn’t look like that. That wasn’t you. I know that often family and friends of a terminally ill patient often hang on to the last thread of hope. But looking at you, I knew that it was gonna be the last time I was going to see you. I looked at you and I knew that you knew. You started crying almost as if you thought the same thing. I can never forget the last thing you said to me “my sister has come to see me”.

What pained me more is not that you died. What pained me is that you suffered a lot before you died. Wouldn’t it have been better if you died as a child? Wouldn’t it have been better if you even died when it was just a stage one? But no, you had to live and suffer up until you got to the worst part of stage four. Did God really have to keep you this long just for you to suffer and die? 
What do you want me to say to your son now when he’s older. The only memories he’s gonna have is of a hospital room, the constant blood loss and transfusion, your broken bones, the smells, the lesions and your intermittent cry for a pain relief.
I thought God forgives. I know you had rough teen years but why did He have to make it come back and bite you in the ass. After everything you did. After all your years of service. Even to get married was a struggle and when you finally did, to have that one child was a struggle. Hadn’t you suffered enough already. I would think that He wouldn’t punish you further. 

Remember you said you wanted my clothes and shoes. You were supposed to get well and come and wear them. Remember we were supposed to see when you got back from treatment. Why didn’t you get well? Why? 

I’m sorry I never to got to buy you at least the nice present you always wanted before you died.

I’m sorry that you had to go through so much pain and suffering.

I’m sorry for not coming to see you everyday. I was selfish. I didn’t want the image of your sick, bedridden and emaciated self in my memory. I only chose to remember what I wanted to remember. 

I’m sorry that there was no money to have sent you for treatment earlier. Perhaps it would have reduced your pain a little.

I’m sorry that most of the money was used on my education. If I didn’t want expensive things, there would have still been money.

I’m sorry that you didn’t get to see your miracle child grow. 

I’m sorry that we never had a picture together.

I’m sorry for making my faith waver when it did.

I’m sorry for hoping for the worst even before you died.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t prayerful enough.
I’m sorry I can’t even grieve properly now because I am doing some stupid training.

I’m sorry dear aunty. I truly am. Would you forgive me? Please say yes. Should I offer you a bribe? Please forgive me aunty. I promise to find a means to take care of your son as I would do my own child. I promise that I would never let him suffer. I heard that where you are now is a better place. I want to believe so too. I know you’re no longer suffering and that your smile is back. But aunty, it’s hard. It’s just so hard for me to let you go. I’m selfish for wanting you to come back right? Okay then, enjoy. I hope to able to see you again one day.