Posted in State of Mind

Entry 70 – 15/08/2017

9:34pm. I got into my flat not too long ago. I am completely and utterly fagged out from work. I’ve just worked for twelve straight hours without break. Not even a lunch break. My brain has gone on a temporary recession. My body is crying for mercy and my knee is killing me. Yes, I know. I do need to get it checked out. I dislocated my knee bone last week and I have not been to the hospital to check it out. Every step is a struggle and guess what? I have to climb loads of steps at work. Today in particular involved running up and down those steps. And of course, the daily dose of sexual harassment was taken; promptly at that as well. So my knee is worse than it was this morning. I have made a mental note to go get it x-rayed tomorrow before it leads to something else.

Oh yes, what was I saying. Sorry I’m a bit chatty today. It’s 9:34pm. I’m tired out from work. I curse my country, my work place and the peanuts I am being paid. I curse it all. I hadn’t had a meal all day. Not even breakfast. Only a few snacks I have taken. So, I am a bit grumpy. And then this message comes into my phone; from my protégé. If you’re a good and faithful follower, you will remember her from the post of March the 8th.

“I spent most of my day today thinking about my beloved.

I looked at how I’ve managed with this trip all by myself, from the onset with little or no help from people and I owe it all to her. Some will say its common sense but I learnt to be independent from her. I learnt to rely on nobody and expect the worst from people so that every act of theirs exceeds my expectation.

And when I look at how far I’ve come, I hear you say ‘well done, my daughter, you have learnt well'”.

I think I am good for something after all. *blushes severely* I lied. I know I am good for something. This her message to me spoke to my mind differently. I am not yet where I want but I am getting there. And curse as I may my work place. Stressed as I may be everyday for peanuts pay, it is unavoidably the starting point to where I am going. So I am back to my favourite Eminem’s lyric:

Hush little baby don’t you cry, everything is gonna be alright,

Stiffen that upper lip up, little lady, I told ya

Daddy’s​ gonna hold you for tonight

I know momma’s not here, and you don’t know why

I can feel how you feel inside

It might seem a little crazy, little baby

But I promise

Everything’s gonna be alright… “

Thank you OLA, you mean a lot to me. And you made my day today.

Posted in Little Steps

Chicken Nugget

“Life is not about your perfection, it is the moments you lived being the real you without fear or favour”

I came across this quote this morning as I was going through my social media. It hit very close to home. In my previous posts, I have complained and whined about my heritage, my ancestry and all that. And how I wish I could change it so I could be born in a different family.

All my life I have done basically everything that always ends with “will my parents be happy about this?”

The reason I chose this state for my national service is to be far away from home, far from people my parents know and far away from obligations. I was so happy my request for this state was granted. A day to my travel, a shocker came up, my parents knew people where I was going to. I thought to myself “what on earth is this?”. A place so local and remote, still my parents always manage to have a control tower set up there. I officially gave up on “running away” from home.

I decided to just start being me and damn the consequences. I have pretended my whole life. Perhaps it’s time people see me for what I really am. I can’t say that I’ve totally stopped caring about their feelings, but I am getting there.

I have gained weight. I might look tired from my day’s job but at least I look healthy and I’m happy. You might not understand why I am sharing this testimony if you didn’t know me from last year. I was borderline anorexic.

The funny thing is I do not even know the real me. I have pretended so much that I have lost touch with me. I guess it is time for a joy ride to find out.

Happy Sunday folks.

This post is so named because I actually want to eat chicken nuggets from Macy’s right this moment.

Posted in State of Mind

You Left Us (The End)

Today is the day. The final day. The day your loved ones will get to see you for the last time. 

I woke up abruptly this morning aunty at around 3am. I don’t know why I woke up. It certainly wasn’t for midnight toilet visits. I looked at my phone and the date read as twenty-first of July. It sounded familiar in my head. But I wasn’t sure what was going on today. I ransacked my brain and finally determined that today was no one’s birthday. I gave up and went back to sleep.

At about a little over 8am, I checked my phone again while at work to be sure I wasn’t missing anything. You see it was bugging my mind that I was forgetting something important. And there I saw it, the reminder for your funeral service.

I am not able to attend your funeral and I didn’t attempt to ask for permission from work. I am sure I would have gotten it. I don’t just want to let you down one last time. I feel like I have done enough. Maybe I am chicken-hearted. Maybe I am not brave. But I cannot see your husband yet. I cannot see you lying there in that cold, hard, beautifully decorated wood, dead. I cannot see your shrunken body. I cannot watch your child call out mummy during the funeral procession. I cannot hear them sing “fading away, like the stars of the morning”.

I am afraid I will let out too much tears. So I prefer to just throw myself into work.
Work was stressful today aunty. I worked like a robot just to keep my mind occupied. I worked until my body started aching me. I feel nauseous and feverish and still it didn’t work. I closed at 5:15pm only to get back to the thoughts I thought I had escaped from.

Has it only been a month and three weeks since your passing? I still feel it you know, like it was last week. Time and time again my mind flashes back. Wondering how your son is doing? Wondering how your husband is doing? Oh aunty, you are so selfish! You couldn’t just hold on a bit? I know you were in so much pain but really couldn’t you just hold on? Do you have any idea what your husband looks like now? I fear he might follow suit. It was only six years of marriage of which the past one year was a nightmare. He loved you. I know he did. I mean who will not love you. 

I’m sorry aunty. I didn’t mean to shout at you. I’m transferring aggression now, yeah. 
Your desk at father’s office; it was empty the last time I went there. Please come back and sit there. I miss you. I miss hearing your voice. I miss your smile. I miss the brown coat you always wore. When I am passing by your house, I wouldn’t occasionally bump into you again. Maybe I should have made an attempt to go. Maybe I should have just braved it all. Maybe I should have been stronger instead of crying salty tears in my room alone.

The thought of a heavenly miracle then gave me hope even when I knew that scientifically you were nearing the end. I guess now it appears that I just wanted to hold on to something. 

The sun has set.

The curtain has been drawn.

A chapter of life is closed.

The grave has been filled up with sand.

The slab has been set.

Here lies the body of a woman who I loved and was loved by everyone else. 
Adieu aunty!

Posted in State of Mind

I’m Yours

“Every fear hides a wish” – David Mamet

Tomorrow cannot be Monday. Tomorrow cannot be Monday. Tomorrow cannot be Monday. I only just started my weekend. Now I know exactly how all those workers feel when they make memes about Mondays and weekends. I always thought it was a bit too exaggerated. I mean I did final year of course and had no problem with Mondays. Absolutely none. Everyday was the same to me. 

In final year I was striving for something I wanted. A personal goal. But at work, you’re striving to achieve someone else’s goal. I mean since I am not the owner of the company so it’s not my goal. I am just coming to work and fulfilling my duties just to get paid. 
I wonder if I will feel like this all through my working life till I reach retirement age. Perhaps when I have my own company, I might start to look forward to Mondays again.
I am so bored right now. I don’t even know why I am writing. I am pretty sure this will be my most incoherent and uninteresting post yet. 

Today is unlike any day I have had for the past two months. Usually my day is so jam-packed with activities that keep me so busy that by the time I am done, all I have to do is fall asleep till the next day. Today is different. I did all I could possibly do with my free time yesterday. How silly of me. I should have left some chores for today.

So I go to church and come around noon. I already have a pre-cooked meal so I just warm it up, I dry the washed dishes, watch a movie and I check the time, it is still 2pm. I watch another movie and time suddenly has decided to stand still. I am out of what to do. I don’t look forward to going back to work tomorrow but I also do not want to be idle. I try to read a book, I drop it. Pick up another one, I drop that one too. Now I properly understand why listlessness is defined as having or showing little interest or no interest in anything. I do not even want to write anymore. Since I am out of things to do, I have decided to do something risky. I decide to post a sample of an imagination my very perverted brain churned up. 

I do this dance everyday. It’s impossible to sleep without going through the motions of this dance. Today I have refused to give in. But how can I not? It’s my lullaby. My brain is messed up I know that. But for my sanity and the peace of everyone I have to do this dance. They say insomnia causes irritability. I do not want to resort to benzodiazepines therefore this is my own form of sedative. I daydream it, and then I gradually fall asleep.

I close my eyes, this time we are at our house by the sea side. I hear the sound of the waves crashing over the shore. Breeze drifts in through the door kept ajar. You lounge against the door propped open, regarding me intensely. I squirm on the sofa, rather uncomfortable at the attention. Your sculpted lips twitch then, into a careless smile. 

For a brief second, I imagined bringing that chiseled jaw of yours down on mine and crushing my lips against yours. Only that you wouldn’t let me do that. Or rather I was currently immobile as you had me sprawled apart and bound to the sofa. I was yours to command. I sighed longingly and deeply then.

Of course, from the arrogant curve of your lips, you knew exactly what I was thinking. 

“Oh Alia…

You never learn do you. You can only sigh when I want you to.”

Your eyes blaze like the biblical furnace that I have heard stories of, and I feel your hunger as your eyes roams freely from my bosom and my desire tightens across my belly. 

In three short strides, you covered the distance between us. 

My gaze lingers at your folded sleeves, unbuttoned collar and loose tie, admiring the rippled rail-like tracks on your arm and imagining what it would feel like to unfasten the rest of your buttons and pull you free of them. They are only just blocking my view of course. I realised then, that I was staring. 

I heard a low growl and you sank into the sofa, your teeth nipping at my ears slowly and torturously. Your arms coiled around my waist, tightening possessively as you cradled my back. Your lips zigzagged it’s way from my ears to the tip of my nose, back to my eyelids. I moaned. I needed to feel your lips on mine now.

He tasted of lemon, gin and reckless abandon, and my lips parted instinctively as his tongue slid into my mouth. His kiss was forceful and I found myself slipping under his control, my body moulding against his as I quake under the heat of our embrace.

His tongue flicked against my teeth repeatedly, almost lazily, and my mouth opens wider, welcoming him in. 

He accepted, his tongue briefly skimmed around mine as if afraid to go any further, then he thrust his tongue deeper, drawing mine into his mouth and capturing it with a languid suction. My knees buckled at the reaction, he steadied me and pressed me closer, his body bracing me. His hand slipped from my waist to the small of my back. The intimacy of the gesture spurred my action and my fingers tangled into his curly hair as I held on to the kiss, certain I would fade to nothing without feeling his body crushed against mine.

The windows adrift brought in cold air, my already hardened nipples stiffened in response.

Okay… I think I can’t afford to go any further. When I am brave enough again, I will let you folks know.

Posted in State of Mind

Friday 7th July, 2017

Firstly, there are so many things I hate; of which being taken for granted is chief amongst them. And that seems to be coming around a lot this week. 

This was my original intention for this post. To cuss and fuss and moan until I have exhausted all the anger in me. Well that is not going to happen this time around. I am just going to say something short. I am thoroughly and totally exhausted. I have had a particularly stressful day today at work and this week in general has been exhausting. So please dear Lord, if you indeed love those whom you have created, do not send some more temptation my way because they wouldn’t know what hit them. Thank you for answers to my prayers. Amen.

Secondly, I am at that point in 2017 where I desperately need a time machine. Only, if I could turn back time to 2013 in particular. There are a lot of things I could have avoided that would have prevented the mess I find myself in called life in 2017. You see my actions and inactions are having a side effect on those I love. Everyone says I would have been a different person if I hadn’t taken those steps back in 2013 which brought me here now. While this might be true, at least I would have been able to sleep soundly. I would have been able to live my life without a guilty conscience. 

But since I cannot perform that invention so quickly. All I have is a refrain from one of my favourite musicians to hold on to;

“Hush little baby don’t you cry, everything is gonna be alright, 

Stiffen that upper lip up, little lady, I told ya

Daddy’s​ gonna hold you for tonight

I know momma’s not here, and you don’t know why

I can feel how you feel inside

It might seem a little crazy, little baby

But I promise

Everything’s gonna be alright…”

Please someone should be nice and send me an ice-cream. Sugar popcorn as well too. I have no idea where to get a proper cheap ice-cream in this Abeokuta.

Posted in State of Mind

You Left Us

I had known you all my life. You had been one of father’s dedicated employees. I don’t know how but you became more than just a face I knew among the other faces. I didn’t get to see you as often as I liked as I became older because of societal commitments but the few times I did, we always had a good laugh. I remember your voice. You always said: “this girl you have not changed”.

When I was told you were ill and I got told of the symptoms. I knew it wasn’t gonna be easy. I didn’t just know how bad it was going to get. On my first sunday back, I was able to see you, at least you hadn’t lost your smile then. But you had lost a lot of weight. You were about the same size that I was. You always talked of losing weight but I didn’t want you to lose it this way. I’m sure you already knew didn’t you? That’s why you kept saying you’ll slim down and come and collect all my clothes.

The day before I went to see you for the last time. I heard stories that made my heart bleed for you. I knew they were true but I refused to believe them. I couldn’t understand how you could suffer so much. That night I tried calling someone, anyone that I could talk to. Because I was slowly losing my mind. No one was available as at then. It was as if all the stars were laughing at my expense. The next morning, very early I got up and I went to see you at the clinic. I don’t know if I had just made a big mistake. I didn’t want to remember you that way. You were the big, ever smiling, bubbly aunty who teased me all the time. 
You didn’t look like that. That wasn’t you. I know that often family and friends of a terminally ill patient often hang on to the last thread of hope. But looking at you, I knew that it was gonna be the last time I was going to see you. I looked at you and I knew that you knew. You started crying almost as if you thought the same thing. I can never forget the last thing you said to me “my sister has come to see me”.

What pained me more is not that you died. What pained me is that you suffered a lot before you died. Wouldn’t it have been better if you died as a child? Wouldn’t it have been better if you even died when it was just a stage one? But no, you had to live and suffer up until you got to the worst part of stage four. Did God really have to keep you this long just for you to suffer and die? 
What do you want me to say to your son now when he’s older. The only memories he’s gonna have is of a hospital room, the constant blood loss and transfusion, your broken bones, the smells, the lesions and your intermittent cry for a pain relief.
I thought God forgives. I know you had rough teen years but why did He have to make it come back and bite you in the ass. After everything you did. After all your years of service. Even to get married was a struggle and when you finally did, to have that one child was a struggle. Hadn’t you suffered enough already. I would think that He wouldn’t punish you further. 

Remember you said you wanted my clothes and shoes. You were supposed to get well and come and wear them. Remember we were supposed to see when you got back from treatment. Why didn’t you get well? Why? 

I’m sorry I never to got to buy you at least the nice present you always wanted before you died.

I’m sorry that you had to go through so much pain and suffering.

I’m sorry for not coming to see you everyday. I was selfish. I didn’t want the image of your sick, bedridden and emaciated self in my memory. I only chose to remember what I wanted to remember. 

I’m sorry that there was no money to have sent you for treatment earlier. Perhaps it would have reduced your pain a little.

I’m sorry that most of the money was used on my education. If I didn’t want expensive things, there would have still been money.

I’m sorry that you didn’t get to see your miracle child grow. 

I’m sorry that we never had a picture together.

I’m sorry for making my faith waver when it did.

I’m sorry for hoping for the worst even before you died.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t prayerful enough.
I’m sorry I can’t even grieve properly now because I am doing some stupid training.

I’m sorry dear aunty. I truly am. Would you forgive me? Please say yes. Should I offer you a bribe? Please forgive me aunty. I promise to find a means to take care of your son as I would do my own child. I promise that I would never let him suffer. I heard that where you are now is a better place. I want to believe so too. I know you’re no longer suffering and that your smile is back. But aunty, it’s hard. It’s just so hard for me to let you go. I’m selfish for wanting you to come back right? Okay then, enjoy. I hope to able to see you again one day.

Posted in State of Mind

Dear Karma

It is said that in complex systems, cause and effect are often distant in time and space. If applied to life as we know it, Karma is the bridge that connects time and space; it adjusts effect to cause. So Dear Karma, you are indispensable. I am grateful for the opportunity you gave; to witness you thwack those who were long overdue. 

However, Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed;

The heartless boys who wiped out a family with just a grinding stone.

The citizens who have resorted to oil bunkery as a means of gaining wealth.

The Rivers state government; for seeing air pollution on the rise and turning a blind eye.

The law upholders who decided that it’s humane to sentence eleven and twelve year olds to death for manslaughter.

The man who thinks it’s okay to swindle his inept business partner who struggles just as much as he does.

The woman who thrives on others misfortune and unhappiness and goes around causing mayhem.

The police officer who “accidentally discharged” a gun on a man who was the breadwinner of his family because of chump change.

The university tutor who failed a medical student because she looks young and can afford to delay for one more year.

The child predator who thinks it is his right to sexually abuse a twelve year old girl because her parents are insouciant.

The thugs who raped a bride while her groom watched on the night of her marriage consummation.

The sexual predators who feel it is funny to rape a lady in broad daylight and in a public place only because no one can stop them or do anything about it.

Dear Karma, I have a list of people you have unjustly treated;

The man by the roadside; I see you, you make your bed on cement and blocks.

The woman at the junction; Your clothes are fashioned out of bean bags and leaf tendrils.

The girl barely out of her toddler stage of life by the street corner; with a crate of sachet water under the scorching sun.

The boy with the boots and barrow; nails deep into the grime hoping for some sort of lost treasure mistakenly tossed out.

The teenager at the hospital; pregnant with twins who would never have a father or a grandfather because she was disowned.

The father with seven children; who cannot appreciate a gift given to him by his child because he doesn’t deserve it. He has failed them afterall.

The family of eight; living in a 50m square foot room. With a cloth tied on a string as an excuse for a changing room.

The little boy, barely five years of age with a large basin of vegetables balanced on his little head missing school so that he can help his widowed mother with the farm.

The girl who is afraid of marriage, people and the world at large because daily she watches her father sink deeper into the quicksand called life and marriage.

The boy born autistic in an African community, he didn’t even have a fighting chance before he was labelled a witch and abandoned.

The young girl with a dream of ruling the world forced into a child marriage with a man thrice her age.

Dear Karma, what did they do?

Is your half brother Nemesis poisoning you with his evil dispensation too?

Why would you let a righteous man curse out loud?

Why would you let a woman who has suffered so much in her marriage continue to suffer? I know it’s for better for worse but when is it ever going to get better?

Why would you let an intelligent student’s hope of furthering her education get sour and then thrown in the garbage by those long overdue for retribution?

Why would you let that young doctor get so frustrated enough to commit suicide?

Why would you let those young men who had a potentially bright future die at the hands of those lawless men and women who decide that jungle justice is an appropriate thing?
Dear Karma, please do as you see fit speedily.

Posted in State of Mind

Excusé Moi?

What is the deal with parents?

I do not know if this is a characteristic of all parents or if it’s just particular to Africa. 

Why do they feel the need to control every aspect of your life irrespective of your age?

Why do they feel like their opinions actually matter?

Why do they feel like their decisions should be the standing constitution of the house. Now I understand the house is owned by them but I only feel it’s reasonable to respect every other member of the house irrespective of their ages.

So I am from a very religious home. Actually religious doesn’t cut it. It’s borderline extremism. To make matters worse, my parents are high ranking pillars in the church community.

Growing up, there were a lot of laws we had to keep up with. And you had to practice all of them or face the wrath and disappointment of your parents. It would have been better to just have a book and put them all in like the Nigerian Constitution. 

One of such laws happened to have something to do with watching movies on “the devil’s box”. We were not allowed to put on the TV without appropriate permission. And if my parents were away or travelled, we couldn’t switch it on no matter how long they are away for. Now the “devil’s box” wasn’t considered sinful but it wasn’t considered holy either. 

So as kids, my older siblings usually buy the DVD’s and then we secretly watch them when my parents were away. It wasn’t anything bad. They were just movies under the action genre. Mild violence scenes, had almost no sexual explicit content, I even dare say it was educational to some extent. And for all those days, my parents never asked if the TV was switched on. I guess they must have had implicit faith in us. 

Now, there were a few movies that my parents approved of and let us watch. A certain day, my parents were out for a couple of hours and they gave the nanny money to go get a new movie. Usually in the days of cassettes and tapes, you buy a movie, go home, try it on to see if it works or needs an exchange.

On that fateful day, we did exactly that. It worked, so we switched the TV off. My parents came home and then asked if we switched on the TV. I was a truthful child back then and being truthful cost me some hours of recreation time.

After that incident, you best believe that I learned how to lie. It saves you from a lot of stress.

Fast-forward to today, a somewhat similar thing happens. We gather around watching a late night TV show and having our dinner. 

My father raises hell, threatens to break the TV, speaks about the carnality involved in watching TV after returning from church. I tried to be patient and understand it from his point of view but it really wasn’t making sense. As old as I am? Okay forget me, as old as the people I am watching with are? You want to control them too because it’s your house? You really want to take away the one thing that brings the family together? The one thing we all share in common. Go ahead then. I dare you.

I am not that obedient, naive child anymore. I have grown. I do not want to defy you, so please do not force me to. I hate to be rebellious. I am not a TV freak, but sharing a common ground with my family is a scarce commodity. So I’m gonna seize this available opportunity.

I truly am sorry. 

I am sorry I don’t care what you think. This is what I feel like doing this exact moment.

I am sorry but I like to be preoccupied with my phone or TV while having my dinner.

I am sorry father, not today. I haven’t got time for that. Now please excuse me while I go back and eat my fish.

Posted in State of Mind

Do I Believe In Horoscope?

Today is well, unusual for two reasons. Firstly, I am trying to decide if this is actually a throwback post or a contemporary one. I wrote this post in October 2016 but never got the chance to put it up. 

Secondly, I feel quite content today. It’s a great day after all.

I have never been much interested in the balance that people say exist between the universe, your birth dates and lifestyle. My birth star describes me as hardworking, highly motivated, focused, has a lot of patience, self-reliant amongst other things. Earth as we know it is a funny place. If I could find the creator of the lifestyle associated with each birth month, I will like to ask him or her on what basis this theory was founded. Because my life is somehow the complete opposite of what is expected of those under the Taurus sign. 

I find myself drifting far from the word “motivation”. I feel like I am on the titanic and just like Jack was, I am trapped in a room handcuffed to an iron pole. I’m very confused at the moment, and I don’t know what is confusing me. Okay that may be a slight untruth. I do know. I haven’t just been able to collect my muddled feelings in one big box. Let’s give it a try shall we?

Family or Friends?

By family I mean those whose bloodlines I share. Family lasts forever they said. Family is not an important thing, it’s everything they said. But what happens when your friends have inadvertently become your family? What happens when your friends give you something your family couldn’t provide. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my siblings, I would remove the clothes off my back and offer it to them if necessary. But I think family is overrated some of the time. I feel this way because I have never made a big decision in my life that didn’t involve an extravagant thought process; “what will my family think?”, “will they just criticise me like every other time?” “Will they try to stop me?” Etc. Now I am about to make a big decision yet again, I find my friends yet againencouraging me to and my family encouraging me not to. Will there be anytime where I make choices without considering family ties and bloodlines and reputation?


I am utterly confused. Is it possible to like two people at the same time? And each receiving love with equal fervour. Okay I’m probably a bit foolish because both are actually far away. Realistically speaking, I shouldn’t even be considering any of them. The more I think about it, the more the likelihood of any working out decreases. There is too much work and effort I’ll have to put in to be in a relationship with any. Relationships always involve some form of sacrifice I know, but is that sacrifice actually worth it? Would it be worth it in the end? Yes, maybe I just overthink things a lot. Okay, I will shut my mouth now but if things change in the future I just might let you know.

On the bright side, Taurus born are ardent members of the sarcastic squad. Taurus born are friends who offer good advice, I guess there’s finally some truth to the analysis. Or not…

Posted in Little Steps

The Woman In The Mirror

Today is one of those days when I try and have a re-think of my life and subsequently do an evaluation. I don’t know if this is because I know someone right at the beginning of his prime who died today due to medical negligence. But anyway, I have been feeling bored, tired and lacklustre recently. Someone then said to me that everything in life is about the big “why”. And if I don’t find out the big why, I would never feel happy or fulfilled in life. So here goes nothing.

Why was I born? Why was I born, and why now and not at some other time?

This is probably an unanswerable question you have asked, but I assume you’re asking why is my consciousness that I recognize as “me” existing? And why in this present, and not in the past or future? I really do not know. But I know this, you were born to be a game changer. So start acting as one. Have you ever wondered why you always do your things differently. You defy conventions all the time and still end up with outstanding results. Take a look around you, the world is crumbling, it will take a crazy, stubborn and smart person to survive. You are crazy, stubborn and smart. You are the beacon of hope to many in this century. You may not believe it but it is true.

Why are my parents, my parents?

If you were born differently, you probably wouldn’t be where you are. Your genetic makeup might not have been as nice. They’re your parents because they helped to shape your future, shape the way you reason. They taught you to be unassuming. You have to admit it’s come a long way in helping you maintain healthy relationships. It is now left for you to choose and decide on the morals you will keep and the ones you will drop.

Why do I have the number of siblings I have?

Because you complete each other. Life is complementary and supplementary. I mean a couple of years ago, through your sister you learned that you nagged and stopped it immediately. Yes, given the situation now, probably life would have been less worrisome if you had fewer siblings. But if you did, you probably wouldn’t have known Glycated Haemoglobin, the Emirates monarchical system, the Asaba Genocide etc.

Why am I tall?

Because you are a colossus. People will be able to see you from afar. You cannot be hidden. People will always stare at you, make it worth their while.

Why am I beautiful?

*scratches head* Are you beautiful?

Why do I have a few health problems?

Because no one is born perfect. There is no way you can have everything physically, mentally, intellectually, financially. One has to be out of the equation. You’re managing it well aren’t you? You are not letting it affect your day to day activities. The only thing is you need to stop getting angry. It is part of who you are for now. You cannot run away from it. Hate it as much as you want to but don’t try anything stupid. I know what you’re thinking. Do not try it.

Why did I go into the Social Sciences?

You wanted to be a good person. Remember what I said about being a beacon of hope? I think the social sciences will help you. See how far it’s brought you. See the amount of knowledge you’ve amassed from just this short period of delving into it. You have to admit that it made you smarter, sharper and wittier.

Why is life mean to me?

Life is not mean to you. You are mean to life. You treat life the way you treat your house. You always put everything in order, you instruct her, you keep little notes on how and when to do things. Life is an adult, give her her freedom to do as she pleases. Do not try to control her. She gets mad when you do. You know how she is, don’t you? When she’s angry she practices the principle of transferred aggression.

Why is growing up so difficult for me?

It isn’t simple for anyone. I admit that it appears as if some people get it easy. You best believe that you’re better off than most people. Adulthood let you off easy in my opinion. Do you really want me to give you examples of those who’ve had it worse. I think you need to stop comparing yourself with those in your inner circle. Yes, they’re doing well, yes they are “accomplished”. But remember that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all. 
Your problem is that you want to do everything quickly, you matured faster than your age and you feel behind or useless since life is working with your age and not your maturity. Just calm down, you are young, try and enjoy life while you still can. Everything will fall into place one day.

Yes I know I try to do things speedily but at least I should have a goal right? So why don’t I have a goal? Why don’t I have a clear picture of life ahead of me?

Again with the many questions. I think I know your problem. You have atychiphobia. You are too hard on yourself. That phase of your life is over. This is not primary school when you were scared to present your end of term result despite taking the fourth position in class. 

Now look within, is it that you do not have a goal or you’re scared to even dream of a goal. I know you, you are someone who would go to great lengths to avoid things that are unlikely to have a favorable ending. Perfection is an illusion babe. It is not a real thing. Life isn’t clear for anyone, with life, the more you look, the less you see. So close your eyes and just breathe. It will come to you. I am positive.

Why can I not love?

Because you are too scared. You are scared of giving everything to one person. Man is not an island you know. Yes, I know you have faults, I do not think anyone cares. You overthink things too much.
You are afraid of rejection. Rejections must happen. Even if you love someone, you end up driving them away. I do not think you can recognise love even when it’s staring deep into your eyes.
Because you are very difficult. You need to learn how to live life one step at a time. Things are not always rosy you know. And I really don’t think you cannot love. I think you are just pretending.

*rolls eyes repeatedly*…

Posted in State of Mind

And The Man Died (Part 2)

I think the pit of misfortune circling me is getting deeper as the year 2017 gets older. I think I’m getting tired of writing sad stories on this blog all the time. But what can I do? It’s not like I have anyone else to talk to. 

I started off today beautifully. That should have been the warning signal. I almost never start the day well. But I was quite optimistic today, I slept one hour longer than I usually sleep at night so that was a good start to the day. I was happy, I was going to pay a visit to my primary school and enjoy the feelings of nostalgia a little bit. I did. 

It was a beautiful experience, it felt good to talk about what I’ve achieved. Afterall, it had been twelve years. My school motto is “laying a solid foundation” and back then I never understood the meaning or the impact the knowledge I gained there would mean in the future. It sounds a bit exaggerated but it’s true. I think the most important lesson I learned was the ills of procrastination. So in my final year of primary school, I was given an assignment. I put off doing it for a long time until the day of submission came. That morning before going to school, I had wanted to do it but I procrastinated and decided to do it during the lunch period in school. First thing that day, was the submission of the assignment and I had nothing to present. Ladies and Gentlemen, you best believe that I was effectively and thoroughly “thrashed” on my butt. I was the senior prefect afterall. I was supposed to show good example. Going further, let’s just say I started way earlier than normal to start any assignment after that. That was a very necessary skill during my university days.

Back to today; so I just discovered that my whole life was a lie a few weeks ago. I thought things definitely couldn’t get any worse than that. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only was my life a lie, but the life of my benefactor is also in great danger. 
Previously, there’s been a number of health problems he’s been plagued with due to stress, anxiety and all that. There was always the faint glimmer of hope that perhaps someday things will get better. There will be no worries anymore. He was always hanging onto a slim thread of hope, that little ray of sunshine each new story told him brought.

He’s a contractor for a rather large firm, and because he’s so high up the chain, he was responsible for a number of business transaction inflows and outflows. It all started in 2015. The one that will break the camel’s back. He took up a potentially huge contract that was too good to be true. Fast forward to 2017, that contract hasn’t yet been fulfilled. In the space of two years, he threw everything he owned, everything he had, everything the company had, even a little bit of reputation and at the end it was all in vain.

It was discovered that there really was no contract all along. It has been a scam all this while. So how do I tell him? How do I break the news to him? How would he take it? He’s been emotionally and psychologically drained. I do not know if he can handle it. I do not think he can handle it. 

He will lose everything that means the world to him. His biggest fear in life will become a reality. But the biggest issue is his reputation. He’s bankrupt, he’s dipped his hands in places he wasn’t supposed to dip into, and the debt is mountain high. This debt could potentially ruin him and I can do nothing about it. He’s become bankrupt because of me and I cannot do anything to help him. And just like him, I’m starting to want to hang onto the sliver of hope that he will bounce back. He will, right?

Posted in Little Steps

Happy Mother’s Day

This is an entry I made in my journal for Mother’s Day 2016 that never saw the light of day till today. The jury is still out on whether I feel the same way now or not.

Today is mother’s day, and up until now I do not know what beautiful message to carve out for my mother so I just told her Happy Mother’s day. I look on Facebook and everyone including Africans have beautiful messages for their mothers but I don’t know what to say or write. It is supposed to come naturally right? But I can’t remember any of them nice things to say.

On second thought, as I write now there are some things I remember mummy doing:

1. She comes at night and covers us properly if the duvet has fallen away.

2. She kills mosquitoes that she sees are trying to suck our delicious blood.

3. When I was 11 and had my most serious bout of malaria yet that came with a migraine for about a week, she stayed with me all through the day and night. I know she hardly slept because I hardly did. I would try falling asleep and then in about half an hour, a fresh wave of migraine will hit again and I’ll scream. Now how the sickness started is a really funny story. I’ll tell anyone interested later.

4. On nights when the seizures were getting worse, she will stand beside my bed for about two hours praying until I lose consciousness or until I sleep off.

5. She gave birth to me. I was the most difficult childbirth she had. Longer hours in the hospital room, pregnancy stretch marks etc.

I am very selfish right. How can I not remember all this till this late at night. I always thought she hated me and that I was an adopted child all through primary school because frankly right now these are the few striking memories I have with her. But then, my brain is not at it’s best right now.

I know she pushes us past our elastic limit and says hard things. Although those things she said broke me badly, I believe that it’s her own way of loving us the way she knows how and probably she meant those words as a way to challenge us. Or maybe you were unhappy too. I never did find out if you were truly happy and satisfied in life. You’ll be amazed at the havoc being unhappy can wreak in the life of those around you. I can truly say that I carry no bitterness anymore. So Happy Mother’s Day Mother. With all my heart.

I promise that from today, any topic or conflicting interests that we have that may cause me to dislike you even more, I’ll never bring them up. I’ll work to ensure that there is some semblance of a friendship between us and I think that maybe, just maybe with time, we’ll become great friends and I’ll finally be able to write a lovely paragraph for you on social media and mean it.

Dear readers, don’t worry I know all about appreciating what you have while you still have it. I am trying my best.