Posted in State of Mind

I Have A Heart Too

I found a poem I love, by a poet I find his work both amusing and beautiful. I thought I should share.

I wake up in the middle of the night
With your thoughts in my head
I dream with open eyes
Lying in my bed
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
Food does not interest me anymore
Your thoughts just fill my mind
I stare into the empty distance
I leave my lunch behind
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
I can’t concentrate on work like before
I am supposed to be reading books
The only thing I can read now
Are your eyes and looks
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
My depression days are far and gone
My insomnia days have come
I am not myself anymore
What have I become?
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
Has my head stopped functioning?
I cannot really tell right now
I can feel my heart beating
I think I’m lost somehow
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too

I wake up in the middle of the night
With your thoughts in my head
I dream with open eyes
Lying in my bed
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
Food does not interest me anymore
Your thoughts just fill my mind
I stare into the empty distance
I leave my lunch behind
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
I can’t concentrate on work like before
I am supposed to be reading books
The only thing I can read now
Are your eyes and looks
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
My depression days are far and gone
My insomnia days have come
I am not myself anymore
What have I become?
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too
Has my head stopped functioning?
I cannot really tell right now
I can feel my heart beating
I think I’m lost somehow
It’s strange what love can make you do
I never knew I had a heart too”

https://franksolanki.wordpress.com/2018/02/04/i-have-a-heart-too/

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Posted in State of Mind

Re-Union?

I recently reconnected with a friend I hadn’t seen for nearly nine years. For the last two months, she had always come to visit me. Almost weekly until she went on Christmas holiday (I thank God for Christmas). I do not want to say I’m tired of hosting her, I really like her but Saturdays and Sundays are my only moments for solitude in the entire week. She isn’t someone to just stay in a room and not talk for hours, she always needs constant attention.

I have put off her coming to visit me since the beginning of the year stating financial problems as the cause. She invited me over to her house, I couldn’t come up with an excuse. I am on my way now to see her and I am already regretting why I sent her that message on Facebook. For the past 48 hours, I have had only 8 hours of sleep, 40 hours of work, 6 shots of gin, one shot of whisky, a body pain and a hell of a headache. In addition to the fact that I am hungry. I haven’t had any thing tangible to eat for the past two days.

The journey to her place is bothersome and ruggedy. I was in a 7 seater Sienna carrying 11 people. I got down at the excuse of a bus park and had to enter another taxi (30 minutes long) to her house. I don’t mind the length of the journey as much as I mind the body of the sweaty passengers on both sides touching me. This time around, it is a five-seater cab carrying eight. In my head, I’m wondering if I just left planet Earth and I’ve been transported somewhere. Again, I’m regretting the Facebook message I sent.

Okay… let’s see if this stress is worth the memorable moments I’m supposedly going to be making.

Posted in State of Mind

Take Me Home

Today is different. Today, Matt will be coming home. It’s been a long time since I last saw him.

I am confused and worried about what I would wear. It’s been a while you see. I am not sure if his preferences are still the same. I am not sure he will like the “dirty” things we usually talk about anymore. And also, I want to give him something he’ll remember. There are two problems though.

Firstly, I feel inept and gauche when it comes to intimacy. My height and stature doesn’t help matters. I always feel like there’s a lot more effort to put in. So I started working out. Increasing my flexibility. I hope he will not find me wanting.

Secondly, I got new pairs of lingerie in addition to other sexual materials that Ann Summers had to offer me. I wear the red. One of his favourite colours.

He comes in at 3:06pm.

Hey!

Hey!! His lips curved into that smile I love so much as his gazed appreciatingly at my body.

I-I just got it newly, I stuttered, and I hope you like it.

Get a grip on yourself!

I decided I would not let nerves take the better of me.

I walked provocatively to him. My small hips swinging from side to side. I have missed you all this while I murmur in his ears. Gently nipping at his ear lobes

Follow me.

He did.

Small victory for me. Yasss!!

I’ve been thinking long and hard about what I’m going to do to you tonight, I said. As I gently pushed him down to the bed.

Oh yeah? He cocked his eyebrow.

Yeah. And I’ve decided on Sexploration.

I straddle him. He stared fixedly at my middle and starts to rub my thighs in that sensual way only him could.

I moan softly. God I missed his touch.

Alia. Get a grip. Don’t let him make you lose focus now.

I shifted my body to feel his hardening shaft, linked our fingers together and lean down as if going for a kiss; stopping just at the corner of his lips.

Don’t worry I whispered. You’ll get your turn.

I could tell he was momentarily distracted. He always loved the fullness of my lips. I swooped in then, held his hands to the bedpost, I pulled out my satin scarf from underneath the pillow and tied him up.

He didn’t say anything but his expression went from shock to excitement in a few seconds.

He smiled lazily. So now you have me bound mistress, what are you going to do to me.

Another look at his inviting mouth made me want to change my mind and have him right there.

I slowly and deliberately went about stripping him of his clothing.

I want you to lay completely limp and let me just explore your body, feel every angle, stoke every hole. Can you do that for me?

He nods gruffly.

Tell me all the dirty little things you do when you masturbate, Tell me everything, baby. Tell me how you play with yourself.

I tentatively reach for his nipples. I could spend hours on your nipples; licking, sucking, and tasting you.

Dear gawd, he moaned out of pure ecstasy.

Shhh… Don’t make a sound until I tell you to… and if you do, I’m going to pause and wait until you can be quiet again, like a good boy that you are.

He nods.

I wet my index finger, swoop in on the right nipple. Drawing circles, stroking back and forth. I could feel him hardening.

I continue to whisper sweet nothings into his ears. Slowly increasing the strokes on his nipple

I love how hard you get when I stroke you.

I want you to whisper in my ears about how this feels.

I work my other hand lazily to his arousal. Teasing the tip, feeling each vein on his bulge, back and forth, back and forth.

His breathing became more audible, his heart rate sped up.

Shhh… Don’t cum until I want you to.

Before you cum, I want you to imagine fingering me with my clothes mostly on…

That wetness on my silky red underwear just like this… I press my middle to the base of his shaft. He moves almost greedily to re-position my entrance where it should rightly be.

Uh Uh.. no.. I said I want you to be completely limp. Now you get punished.

He gritted his teeth and watched me as I climbed off him. I took off my panties and left my bra on with my fish-net thights. I grabbed the chair and positioned myself in front of him so he can have a clear view.

I slant my hips down and raise my legs to the chair. Showing him my wetness.

I took my finger to my lips and sensually licked it. Moaning as I did so. He loved it when I moaned.

I rubbed my clit in deliberate slow circles even as I stared at his arousal grow even bigger.

Matt… your punishment is this. I am going to press my mound against your thigh, drag my lips across your body, tracing every edge and then I am going to find you with my tongue. Taking every inch of you in my mouth….

Dear readers, this is my imagination….. Excusez-moi!

Posted in State of Mind

–Ember Month

It is the end of the year. To some it signifies the coming of a “new” year, to others it signifies yet another time on earth passed, to me it only brings pain and memories I would rather leave forgotten. What is worse is that I go on Facebook and almost everyday those memories pop up on my notifications. I have been in a nasty mood since the beginning of this month November. I have pretty much thrown myself into work to forget about everything but it hasn’t worked. I threw a birthday party for my sister amidst all the philosophical gouging of the eyeballs my work place gives me. The party didn’t go as I “planned” but she was happy and I learned one lesson that day, “you cannot control everything, try as you may.”

This week started and I could feel something ominous lurking around. You see it’s November. I almost can never be happy in this particular month every year. My friends graduated this week and while I am happy for them, I am tired of the bragging. I went through this last year and it was tough on me. I am tired of seeing “the first class degrees”. I am sick of seeing “the jobs on LinkedIn” that they are picking up as soon as graduation is over. I do not think they are better than me and I know the saying it’s now how swift the race is run but how well…

But I’m human and it really is hurtful seeing their success when I am still trying to find my feet. You see, November was when I received the shocking news that I had to leave my first love. I thought I was over that but I received a text message this week from my love asking me what I wanted to do with my crap that I left behind. I was shocked at first, then I became furious. Here I was thinking about my first love all the time and I was ultimately just getting ditched. You see by leaving my crap behind, I was grasping for straws. I made a decision then to move on with my life, without love or getting attached.

I had to start by ending my second love. It was getting irritating. I hated myself for how I felt with my second love. I hated not being in control of my feelings. I hated how I even feel now that I’ve ended it. I had been making my plans since Wednesday. But seeing him that day made it so much harder on me. I at first was making up excuses to not see him but I decided to go anyway, to also remove his stuff from my place. Well so I thought right.

I know. I am just a wimp. I am simply ending our friendship because I am afraid of what the future holds. Because I am afraid that maybe yet again, I will be snatched away. Because I am afraid that fate who hates me so much you would almost think I stole her man, will play some evil trick on me as she has done in the past.

By Friday midday I had made up my mind to say goodbye. I was in a stink of a mood all that morning. Not because I wanted to be but because I thought my heart was going to be ripped out of my chest. Yeah, I guess I loved that much.

Dear readers, do you know what this wimp did? First of all, she sends an email. Secondly, she gave crappy excuses as the reason for ending things.

By evening, I was beginning to run a temperature. I took permission and left work an hour earlier because I thought I was going to faint. You see I was already growing dizzy. My mind was working as a clock. I was wondering how and when I was going to do it. Fate handed me a card I guess, and I, the wimp took that as an opportunity.

It’s hard. It really is hard. I have slept six hours straight this afternoon to get my mind off things and I still feel like a dumpster truck. I guess it’s my punishment. Maybe I should have adhered to the lesson I learned with my sister’s party.

I did mean some of the excuses I made up. But it is not enough for me to abandon this friendship. They are things that could be worked around and they are also things that have been settled. I guess I am just tormenting myself now by continuing to blather on.

Posted in State of Mind

The Woman and the Kid

It’s been a long time since I visited this space; sixteen days actually. A lot of things have happened since then, some weird and unexplainable, others surprising. I’ve had a writer’s bloc for a long time now. Funny how that sounds seeing as I am not a writer. What brought me to this space today is what I would call a work of fate and/or coincidence.

At a little over 5pm, I got called by my neighbour. I initially planned to ignore her because I really didn’t have the strength to leave my room and go down the stairs. I grabbed my keys anyway and went to talk to her. As I came out, over the fence, I saw a ragged looking lady with something on her back that I later discovered was a baby and a malnourished frightened child carrying a worn out bag by her side. I noticed her mouth moving and to my greatest surprise, I realised she was talking to me. I went closer and still couldn’t make out her words. I went further to the fence almost touching it to figure out her words.

“Please, I am looking for work, can you help me?”

“What kind of work? What can you do?”

“I can do anything, wash clothes, clean the house…”

I looked her over properly and realised that the thing on her back was human and it was a baby. Her features amazed me. She looked like a woman who was constantly abused. She was shrivelled and dried up but she couldn’t be more than thirty years of age. Her voice wave length was tiny and wavered. I don’t know if it is a result of a destroyed vocal chord or terror. I hoped I was wrong about either. I opened the gate and ushered her in. Now here’s the problem, I didn’t have any work for her. I cook, clean and wash myself but I could not for the life of me send her away. She was not really my problem, her kid who carried the bag was.

What first struck me about the child was that he was frightened of adults. At least that is what I deduced. He stood a good eight feet away, shifting uncomfortably anytime we got closer. Now kids are kids. When they come to a new place, they hold on tighter to their parents. So I wondered why he was staying away. I wanted to test my theory further and moved forward with his mother and he moved back until there was no more room between him and the fence. He kept sipping the water in his hand even though it wasn’t hot.

It almost felt as if his mum was about to sell him into slavery and he was at that distance ready to bolt.

I called another neighbour over to see if she needed someone to do a few odd jobs for her. To my greatest happiness, she did and to my greatest surprise, she knew the lady. We talked then. And from what I could make out from her inaudible voice, she was given money to set up a business by a Christian charity and my neighbour happened to be the volunteer who went with her to look for viable options. Well, to cut the long story short, her husband didn’t let her. He took the money from her and doesn’t give her money for feeding. I was sad. I had heard and read of stories like hers but I had never been up close and personal with one. I looked at her again and noticed how dry her chest was and how the baby sling was barely holding up. I looked over at the malnourished child again who eyed me warily. They were the victims of constant abuse of which I do not know the nature. Nigeria doesn’t have a shelter for the abused. My sadness became rage.

She was sick. And needed money for treatment. She has been going around looking for a job so that she can foot her hospital bill. We were about to send her away because it’s already evening and my neighbor needed the job done tomorrow but she insisted on doing it today. I knew then that she did not have any money for feeding or for transport. That is if she even took transport here. I am almost positive that they had been trekking for a long time.

She said in every suffering she gives thanks to God that she is alive. I admired her faith and tenacity. But I wondered why she will want to live on in her current circumstance. Isn’t death a more welcome alternative?

She said any money she gets from her hustling she wouldn’t give her husband again. I knew then that it was a lie. It always is.

I gave her money to go and see the pharmacist so that some kind of reprieve can be offered after she blurted out her symptoms. I wish I was a doctor, I would have given her a free consultation there and then. Going to the hospital will be too expensive for her. I also knew that the money I just gave her would not be used at the pharmacy. Her health is very important to her yes, but at the moment, she needs food. Well, she is coming tomorrow, I will take her to the pharmacist myself if I have to.

I plan to cook something for them tomorrow. I do not like to see hungry people. There was a time I did not have food to eat for long periods at a time. It wasn’t nice.

It is a full moon tonight. Maybe something positive will happen for that woman and the kid soon.

Posted in Little Steps

Renovation 101

The day is September 28th, 2017. The time is 8:03am. I feel rather strange today. Well, lately I’ve been feeling strange.

Today is the day I have started to let go of some garbage that are rather old and I have continued to hold on to. Maybe I am starting to grow old or I am having a crisis. I don’t know. I started with destroying my wedding planner. I created that in 2014. It was created at a time in my life when I was incredibly lonely, so starting it gave me joy. It filled my lonely days. I could finally dream of something although very unrealistic. Oh, you should have seen it. Very grandiose in planning. Obviously I wasn’t planning to get the money off my potential husband, I am all for 50/50 splitting of wedding costs. I think it was grandiose majorly because I was trying to fit things into my parents and my immediate society’s way and at the same time have a perfect wedding. Now, I don’t just care about society. I believe a compromise will have to be made by my parents. A wedding is just a day, not even a day, a couple of hours at months. What really matters is the marriage which is forever.

Everyday I had new ideas, I put them down there. I had notes on it. I had a beautiful book dedicated to it. Here’s a plot twist, getting married is the least of things on my agenda. How time changes.

In my process of deleting old garbage, I found something I wrote down a couple of months ago that I got from the internet. It seemed rather useless at the time. It seemed like all those crap that motivational speakers say to enrich themselves. It’s weird I have it right. I’m surprised myself that I am in possession of it. I have always felt that everyone is in control of motivating yourself. You are your own motivation and the earlier you realise it, the better.

Well back to the motivational article I found. I finally had a read through of it today, and it isn’t half bad. Too bad I had already begun the process before I read it. Well the title is “Steps to Discovering Yourself”. Grab a pillow and be prepared to sleep…

Steps to Discovering Yourself

Culled from the internet

How to Find Yourself

Wake your consciousness: write down your life’s timeline and distinguish your thoughts from others’. Start with a clean slate and organize your world.

Give yourself some alone time;seek out a passion, and find a mentor.

Change your perspective and let go of negative thoughts.

Question yourself, then act on your newfound knowledge.

Part One of Four:
Waking Your Conscious

1
Create your own life timeline.
Write down all of your major goals that you feel you have achieved and want to achieve. In turn, write down the events in your life that have already happened and that have shaped or affected you. When life brings problems or misfortunes it shapes our belief system and makes us think differently, but it also makes us us. These things you list are organically you, not a simple reflection of society.

• This isn’t an exercise in wallowing. It’s about clarification and identification of issues. These issues might be keeping you from reaching your present potential and letting your true self blossom.

• Spend a little time clarifying the past in your timeline. A timeline is an incredibly objective method for marking down past occurrences in your life that you consider to be major. You can look at them as formation blocks and as changing experiences along your timeline without imbuing them with too much emotion (as would occur within a diary account). As if writing a résumé, keep it simple, real, and condensed to the major effects or lessons learned from each past incident.

• When analyzing negative past experiences, focus on what you learned from them. Everyone has these blips in their timeline, but exaggerating or ignoring them won’t help you. Instead, recognize that these experiences shaped you.

2
Distinguish your thoughts from the thoughts of others.
For most people (it’s more common than you may think) life is pretty easy to go through while on autopilot; we practically get handed a road map for how reality “works.” Go to school, get a job, get married, think this, that, and the other, and boom — hope you had a good time. And that’s all well and good — it gets the job done certainly — but it doesn’t allow room for you. So sit down with yourself. At the end of the timeline, come up with a few beliefs of yours that aren’t based on logic, but are based on what you’ve been told. We all have them. Now, what do you actually think?

• Society has a very covert way of handing us the “misfits”, condemning the “losers”, idolizing the “beautiful”, alienating the “strange.” But here’s a heads up: These describing words have no basis in reality. How do you feel about the world around you? Think about what you believe to be good and bad — not what anyone else has told you.

• Feel free to think more concretely. Do you actually agree with your parents’ political or religious affiliations? Is having a career really the most important thing to you? Do think, black glasses really make you feel “cooler?” If the answer is no, great! There’s absolutely zero problems with not molding yourself to pre-existing norms. Now all you have to do is unlearn and then relearn. Only this time, relearn based on your gut.

3
Start relying on yourself.
Confidence and reliance are at the heart of finding yourself. If you don’t have a solid sense of self-worth, you’ll listen to what others have to say all the time and to be swayed by their insistence on what is appropriate. Learn to believe in yourself and trust your own feelings. Then, you’ll come up with a structure to base your new sense of self on. Remember, be patient with yourself and confident in your abilities. Everything will come with time.

• If you have been victimized in the past, confront these issues. They’re not going to go away on their own. They might be coloring your approach to daily life, causing you to live up to other people’s expectations instead of your own.

• Start trusting your own judgment and decision-making processes, mistakes and all. We all make mistakes, but through mistakes we find ourselves growing, learning, and reaching our real selves.

• Start taking responsibility for budgeting, household matters, and planning about the future. People who lack a sense of self tend to disregard the “details” of life with a carefree attitude, believing that things will all sort themselves out. But things don’t always sort themselves out. Taking responsibility pulls you back from the precipice and lets you be self-reliant and self-determined, no longer carried along by the waves of fate.

4
Prepare to begin again with a clean slate.
Develop your own moral conduct and practice sticking to it. Start by overcoming bad habits.

• Stop smoking, over-eating, and abusive drinking. These are examples of lapses or habits that will prevent you from functioning at your peak. They also let you “off the hook” by sidestepping the analysis of why you use these crutches instead of finding better ways to brighten your life.

• This step may take some major rehabilitation for some individuals but putting it into the too-hard basket won’t make it go away. Remember, you can’t drive your life forward if you are always gazing through your rear-view mirror!

5
Organize your world.
You may find that having all your other affairs in order will help expedite the process to grabbing a firm hold on your identity. So clean your room. Do your homework. Resolve that fight with that friend. Getting everything else out of the way will clear up the path to “me” time.

• We all have excuses for why we’re not growing in the direction we want to be growing — it could be money, school, a job, a relationship, you name it, someone’s used it. If you’re a busy bee, take strides to clear your schedule so you can sit down and tackle this thing head on. If it’s always priority #2, it’ll never get done.

Part Two of Four:
Conquering Your World

1

Immerse yourself in solitude. Give yourself some time and space to get away from the expectations, the conversations, the noise, the media, and the pressure. Take some time each day to go for a long walk and think. Plant yourself on a park bench and look. Take a long, thoughtful road trip. Whatever you do, move away from anything that distracts you from contemplating your life and where you want it to go. In solitude, you should feel independent and self-sufficient, not lonely, needy or afraid.

• Every person needs time alone, whether they’re introverted or extroverted, single or in a relationship, young or old. Solitude is time for rejuvenation and self-talk, for utter peace and for realizing that purposeful “loneliness” is not a bad place to be but rather, a liberating part of your overall existence.

If you are a creative person, you may find that alone-time will help stoke your creativity. While it’s nice to collaborate with other people sometimes, it’s hard to be truly creative when you’re always surrounded by other people. Step back and tap into your creativity.

2
Seek out a passion.
When you believe in something or see beauty in something, you should do it no matter what anyone else thinks. If you have found something that is worthy of your best efforts, sacrifice, and tears, then you have found the most important pursuit of your life. Often, that pursuit can lead you to something ultimately fulfilling.

• The key here is to realize that it doesn’t matter what it is. It could be preventing child hunger or it could be painting. There is no scale when it comes to passion. You either feel it or you don’t; none is better than any other. When you find something that zaps you out of bed in the morning, cling onto it. You’ll only bloom from there.

3
Find a mentor.
Though ultimately soul-searching can only be done by you and it’s only you that determines what you need, having a mentor will be an incredible resource when you hit those unavoidable bumps in the road. Seek out someone you trust who has a definite sense of self. How did they do it?

• Let them know the process you’re starting to undertake. Stress that you know it’s your journey, but would love to use their strength as a guide. Take a look at them as objectively as you can. What seems to ground them, making them who they are? How did they find that? How do they stay true to themselves?

• A support system is key to any self-improvement tactic. Not a lot of people will understand what you’re going through and will brush off your broaching the topic as a flash-in-the-pan moodiness. Use this mentor as a sounding board, too, for what you come up against. The outlet will surely come in handy.

4
Sort out your career path.
If you’re meandering all over the place looking for the right “fit”, chances are that you’re not happy inside. You could be using the job-changing as an excuse for not fully realizing your true potential. Find yourself by really taking an interest in what you love to do. If money weren’t an issue, what would you spend your days doing? What way can you monetize this activity/skill?

• Spend some time free-associating. Think about what you like and don’t like; think beyond those things to other ideas that simply pop into your mind while you’re associating. Keep a record of these things. Then, come back to the career question and look at the free associations. What type of career seems to gel most with the things that excited, moved, and really energized you from the free-association exercise? As Alain de Botton says, this exercise is about looking for “beeps of joy” amid the cacophony of must-do’s, shoulds, and expectations.[1]

• Bear in mind, however, that work may not be where your “calling” is. If that’s the case, you’ll need to work out a work-life balance that lets you pursue your “true self” more outside of the workplace, even if this means more hours and less income. It is all possible, especially if it’s in the pursuit of finding and sustaining your true sense of self.

Part Three of Four:
Changing Your Perspective

1
Let go of the need to be loved by all.
Accept that some people will think poorly of you no matter what you do. It’s important to forget about what everyone else thinks because you cannot please everyone. And while you might not want to disappoint the people close to you, they should want you to be happy. As long as you continue to exist just to fulfill other people’s ideas of who you should be, you’ll never know who you really are. This thought is aptly summed up by Raymond Hull: “He who trims himself to suit everyone will soon whittle himself away.”

• Realize that some people will become jealous, afraid, or overwhelmed when a person changes their usual habits and grows more mature and self-loving (others will love it). It’s a threat to the relationship you’ve always had, and it forces them to take a cold, hard look at themselves, which they may not want to do. Give these people space and compassion; they may come around in time. If they don’t, leave them be. You don’t need them to be you.
2
Abandon the negative.
Although it sounds abstract, it’s not difficult. Make a conscious effort to minimize judging — others, objects, and yourself. This is for two reasons: 1) Positivity is nourishing and can usher in a sense of happiness which being “lost” masks, and 2) Opening your mind to new experiences and new people (that you previously wrote off) will show you a whole new world that may be better than the one you knew before — one where you can find your corner of the sky, your castle on a cloud, your niche in this crazy world.

• Try to do something every day that you would’ve brushed off as “weird,” “illogical,” or just plain “uncomfortable”. Getting out of your zone will not only teach you something, but it will force you to get to know you — what you’re capable of, what you like, what you definitely don’t like, and what you were previously missing.

PART 3
Question yourself.
Ask yourself difficult and far-reaching questions, and record your answers. Beyond your time spent in solitude, it’s easy for these purposeful thoughts to slip to the back of your mind and be forgotten. If you have them written down, then every time you reflect, you can review your notes and take it a step further, instead of answering the same questions all over again. Keep them in a notebook that’s easy to access and update; it will be a source of sustenance for you, by which you can continue to measure your growth through life. Here are some to get you started:

• “If I had all the resources in the world — if I didn’t need to make money — what would I be doing with my life and why?” Perhaps you’d be painting, or writing, or farming, or exploring the Amazon rain forest. Don’t hold back.

• “What do I want to look back on in my life and say that I never regretted?” Would you regret never having traveled abroad? Would you regret never having asked that person out, even if it meant risking rejection? Would you regret not spending enough time with your family when you could? Would you regret keeping your unique view of society to yourself by not sharing with friends? Did I conform/stick out beyond the level I’d have like to? This question can be really difficult.

• “If I had to choose three words to describe the kind of person I’d love to be, what would those words be?” Adventurous? Accepting towards few? Open? Honest? Hilarious? Optimistic? Unreliable? Don’t be afraid to choose words that are considered negative because that proves you’re a real person, and not a lopsided combination of parts other people want to be known for.

• Sometimes the traits that you don’t like become useful in emergency situations — like being bossy. Sometimes they are valuable to the job you’re meant to perform — like being nitpicky.

• If you do have a truly negative trait, acknowledging it openly can give you the motivation to work on redirecting that energy to something positive. Try channelling that bad habit and into a hobby. Don’t wash your clothes much? Try camping — maybe you’ll like it. Even something like pole dancing could be your golden ticket! Know you’re lazy with certain tasks? Maybe you can lead yourself to find another task that hardly ever bores you.

• “Who am I?” This question is not static. It should be one you continue to ask yourself throughout your life. A healthy person continues to reinvent themselves throughout their life. By asking this question regularly, it updates your understanding of who you are and how you change. Instead of answering who you think you ought to be, keep it focused on who you actually are, because in all likelihood that’s a very good answer, warts and all.

Part Four of Four:
Settling In for Good

1
Act upon — and use — your newly discovered knowledge.
Pick up those watercolors. Write a short story. Plan a trip to Mombasa. Have dinner with a family member. Start cracking jokes. Open up. Tell the truth. Whatever it is that you’ve decided you want to be or do, start being and doing it now.

• You may shake your head and come up with excuses such as “no time,” “no money,” “family responsibilities,” etc. Instead of using these as excuses, start planning around the hurdles in your life. You can free up time, find money, and get a break from duties if you make time how to plan and find the courage to ask for these things.

• Sometimes, the real you is too afraid to face the practicalities because it’d mean facing up to what you’ve limited yourself by. Start planning what you really want to do and investigating what needs to be done to get you to that point instead of flinging excuses at them, stopping the goals and dreams dead in their tracks.
2
Be ready for dead ends.
Finding yourself is a journey, not a destination. A lot of it is trial and error. That’s the price you pay in return for the satisfaction you receive: More often than not, you hit a bump in the road, and sometimes you fall flat on your face. Be prepared to understand and accept that this is a part of the process, and commit to getting right back up and starting over.

• It’s not going to be easy — it never has been for anybody — but if you learn to see that as a chance to prove how much you want to find yourself, then you’ll find fulfillment and security in your pursuit. When you know yourself, most people will respect you more and treat you kindly. Best of all, your light will shine on both you and others, making them (and you) feel even more certain about your sense of self.

3
Serve others.
Mahatma Gandhi once said that “the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” Being introspective without reaching out to others can cause you to navel-gaze and shut yourself off from others. Service to other people and to the community is the ultimate way to find purpose and a sense of your place in the world.

• When you see how hard life can be for those in greater need than you, it’s often a wake-up call that puts your own worries, concerns, and issues into perspective. It helps you to see what you do have, and the opportunities you’ve been able to seize through life. That can fuel a great sense of self because suddenly everything can fall into place for you and you realize what matters most. Try it. You’ll like it.

Posted in State of Mind

How To Incite Murder – Episode 1

Please give me a few minutes while I cuss out my neighbours….

So we share a generator; it is the responsibility of all to care for that generator. We get petrol for it, oil for it etc. These buffoons had collectively decided that I should be the designated petrol buyer. I wouldn’t mind as much if they made other efforts concerning this particular generator of ours.

Sometime this week I decided to ignore them. I didn’t buy petrol, didn’t lift a finger for three days. Oh you can be sure they got the drift and went to get petrol.

Fast forward till today. I switch on the generator by 7:30pm and see that the petrol is not gonna last up to three hours. I switch it on anyway, I mean they are closer to it, I am sure they can put it off when the time comes. I mean, I trust them to.

Approximately at a couple of minutes past 10pm I presume, the generator began to make a sound showing that petrol is exhausted. I was already asleep, so obviously I didn’t know what was going on.

These big-headed, self-rigteous douche bags did not move a muscle at the noise. Luckily, somewhere in my dream, I heard the sound, so I jumped out of my dream and ran all the way downstairs like a woman, crazed to turn it off.

I do not know how long it had been going on for before I turned it off, because it was already at it’s dying stage to turn off automatically by the time I reached it.

And then, I heard it, the lot of them cackling like abandoned peacocks in the Serengeti.

So these fools were all awake?

So these fools heard this and did absolutely nothing?

So these fools, five of them, made me almost fall down the stairs?

Even I, was asleep and heard the generator noise in my sleep. I was having a good dream… yeah, that kind of dream.

And this daft children were all laughing and chatting, less than five feet away from the generator.

When I finally switched it off and did the changeover routines, they all came to the window to ask me a stupid question with a tiny patronising voice that would not even arouse an oyster.

“What’s the problem?”

Like the lot of them had never had a generator in their homes before and didn’t know how it sounded when petrol finished.

Oh help me Jesus!

Strange Lingua

*generator – a device that has been saving Nigerian’s lives since the 20th century. Found in almost every space that has a roof and people inside. Including homes, shops, salons, roadside umbrella stands etc.

Posted in State of Mind

CHOICES

Goodmorning.

Happy new month!

Happy Sallah!!

I think it would have been less of a bad omen if I was to start the month of September with positive, uplifting posts. However, this is one of those posts where I just write for the sake of expressing my feelings. Nothing special to see here today.

I didn’t think it was possible to have people around you and yet feel lonely, till this period that is. I am actually quite lonely. I feel like something is missing from my life. A spark of some sorts. A certain happiness that shows even if everything is going wrong. A comforting touch that just feels right. A kind of calm that can only come from deep within. Yeah, I know. Now I am just trying to avoid saying what I really should say.

I can’t, you see. I have too much ego plus there’s that fear of something else. Rejection. I don’t think I can cope with all that so the next best alternative for me to that is to choose my best friend, loneliness.

Well back to the point of today’s story. I have been thinking, long and hard about what I want out of my rather short time on earth. I thought I had a plan about the future. It was a rather grand plan. I wouldn’t call it impossible to achieve but it certainly is a really grand plan. But someone got me thinking; if I do somehow achieve that plan, if I am able to do that, what next? What will I now do for my remainder years on earth?

Obviously, I had no answer. You know since I was little, I had built all my dreams, hopes and aspirations around money, wealth and everything financial prosperity. I wanted to be very wealthy. I cannot begin to explain why it is important for me to be wealthy because it really is laughable. So I just recently discovered that every passion I had, every plan I had ever construed, every unfounded dream all had one thing in common. In them, was me daydreaming about being wealthy, well-known, rich, fearless, authoritarian, kick-ass… I have run out of adjectives to describe my picture in my daydreams.

So now I have to start thinking afresh. I have to start rethinking my choices. To be sincere I am not sure where to start from. I look around and I see the people I love the most already have concrete plans for the future with backups as well. I am trying not to feel inferior to them but it really isn’t working out well. There’s one thing I know however, I want to be happy. Whatever it is that I choose to do, I want it to be free from popular opinion. I want it to be something I’m doing for myself irrespective of how others see it. I want it to be free from parental choices. I hope it can be free from parental choices.

On a lighter note, I am back in the beautiful city where I am sure Yellow fever originated from (Lagos) with its blinding shade of yellow on every side. Do you know the irony of the post I put on about it a few months ago, a couple of days after putting that post on, I discovered to my astonishment that the house I was going to live in for the next one year had its walls painted bright yellow. Fate sure has a strange way of playing with someone’s feelings. Remind me never to criticise anything in the future.

Posted in State of Mind

Entry 70 – 15/08/2017

9:34pm. I got into my flat not too long ago. I am completely and utterly fagged out from work. I’ve just worked for twelve straight hours without break. Not even a lunch break. My brain has gone on a temporary recession. My body is crying for mercy and my knee is killing me. Yes, I know. I do need to get it checked out. I dislocated my knee bone last week and I have not been to the hospital to check it out. Every step is a struggle and guess what? I have to climb loads of steps at work. Today in particular involved running up and down those steps. And of course, the daily dose of sexual harassment was taken; promptly at that as well. So my knee is worse than it was this morning. I have made a mental note to go get it x-rayed tomorrow before it leads to something else.

Oh yes, what was I saying. Sorry I’m a bit chatty today. It’s 9:34pm. I’m tired out from work. I curse my country, my work place and the peanuts I am being paid. I curse it all. I hadn’t had a meal all day. Not even breakfast. Only a few snacks I have taken. So, I am a bit grumpy. And then this message comes into my phone; from my protégé. If you’re a good and faithful follower, you will remember her from the post of March the 8th.

“I spent most of my day today thinking about my beloved.

I looked at how I’ve managed with this trip all by myself, from the onset with little or no help from people and I owe it all to her. Some will say its common sense but I learnt to be independent from her. I learnt to rely on nobody and expect the worst from people so that every act of theirs exceeds my expectation.

And when I look at how far I’ve come, I hear you say ‘well done, my daughter, you have learnt well'”.

I think I am good for something after all. *blushes severely* I lied. I know I am good for something. This her message to me spoke to my mind differently. I am not yet where I want but I am getting there. And curse as I may my work place. Stressed as I may be everyday for peanuts pay, it is unavoidably the starting point to where I am going. So I am back to my favourite Eminem’s lyric:

Hush little baby don’t you cry, everything is gonna be alright,

Stiffen that upper lip up, little lady, I told ya

Daddy’s​ gonna hold you for tonight

I know momma’s not here, and you don’t know why

I can feel how you feel inside

It might seem a little crazy, little baby

But I promise

Everything’s gonna be alright… “

Thank you OLA, you mean a lot to me. And you made my day today.

Posted in Little Steps

Chicken Nugget

“Life is not about your perfection, it is the moments you lived being the real you without fear or favour”

I came across this quote this morning as I was going through my social media. It hit very close to home. In my previous posts, I have complained and whined about my heritage, my ancestry and all that. And how I wish I could change it so I could be born in a different family.

All my life I have done basically everything that always ends with “will my parents be happy about this?”

The reason I chose this state for my national service is to be far away from home, far from people my parents know and far away from obligations. I was so happy my request for this state was granted. A day to my travel, a shocker came up, my parents knew people where I was going to. I thought to myself “what on earth is this?”. A place so local and remote, still my parents always manage to have a control tower set up there. I officially gave up on “running away” from home.

I decided to just start being me and damn the consequences. I have pretended my whole life. Perhaps it’s time people see me for what I really am. I can’t say that I’ve totally stopped caring about their feelings, but I am getting there.

I have gained weight. I might look tired from my day’s job but at least I look healthy and I’m happy. You might not understand why I am sharing this testimony if you didn’t know me from last year. I was borderline anorexic.

The funny thing is I do not even know the real me. I have pretended so much that I have lost touch with me. I guess it is time for a joy ride to find out.

Happy Sunday folks.

This post is so named because I actually want to eat chicken nuggets from Macy’s right this moment.

Posted in State of Mind

You Left Us (The End)

Today is the day. The final day. The day your loved ones will get to see you for the last time. 

I woke up abruptly this morning aunty at around 3am. I don’t know why I woke up. It certainly wasn’t for midnight toilet visits. I looked at my phone and the date read as twenty-first of July. It sounded familiar in my head. But I wasn’t sure what was going on today. I ransacked my brain and finally determined that today was no one’s birthday. I gave up and went back to sleep.

At about a little over 8am, I checked my phone again while at work to be sure I wasn’t missing anything. You see it was bugging my mind that I was forgetting something important. And there I saw it, the reminder for your funeral service.

I am not able to attend your funeral and I didn’t attempt to ask for permission from work. I am sure I would have gotten it. I don’t just want to let you down one last time. I feel like I have done enough. Maybe I am chicken-hearted. Maybe I am not brave. But I cannot see your husband yet. I cannot see you lying there in that cold, hard, beautifully decorated wood, dead. I cannot see your shrunken body. I cannot watch your child call out mummy during the funeral procession. I cannot hear them sing “fading away, like the stars of the morning”.

I am afraid I will let out too much tears. So I prefer to just throw myself into work.
Work was stressful today aunty. I worked like a robot just to keep my mind occupied. I worked until my body started aching me. I feel nauseous and feverish and still it didn’t work. I closed at 5:15pm only to get back to the thoughts I thought I had escaped from.

Has it only been a month and three weeks since your passing? I still feel it you know, like it was last week. Time and time again my mind flashes back. Wondering how your son is doing? Wondering how your husband is doing? Oh aunty, you are so selfish! You couldn’t just hold on a bit? I know you were in so much pain but really couldn’t you just hold on? Do you have any idea what your husband looks like now? I fear he might follow suit. It was only six years of marriage of which the past one year was a nightmare. He loved you. I know he did. I mean who will not love you. 

I’m sorry aunty. I didn’t mean to shout at you. I’m transferring aggression now, yeah. 
Your desk at father’s office; it was empty the last time I went there. Please come back and sit there. I miss you. I miss hearing your voice. I miss your smile. I miss the brown coat you always wore. When I am passing by your house, I wouldn’t occasionally bump into you again. Maybe I should have made an attempt to go. Maybe I should have just braved it all. Maybe I should have been stronger instead of crying salty tears in my room alone.

The thought of a heavenly miracle then gave me hope even when I knew that scientifically you were nearing the end. I guess now it appears that I just wanted to hold on to something. 

The sun has set.

The curtain has been drawn.

A chapter of life is closed.

The grave has been filled up with sand.

The slab has been set.

Here lies the body of a woman who I loved and was loved by everyone else. 
Adieu aunty!

Posted in State of Mind

I’m Yours

“Every fear hides a wish” – David Mamet

Tomorrow cannot be Monday. Tomorrow cannot be Monday. Tomorrow cannot be Monday. I only just started my weekend. Now I know exactly how all those workers feel when they make memes about Mondays and weekends. I always thought it was a bit too exaggerated. I mean I did final year of course and had no problem with Mondays. Absolutely none. Everyday was the same to me. 

In final year I was striving for something I wanted. A personal goal. But at work, you’re striving to achieve someone else’s goal. I mean since I am not the owner of the company so it’s not my goal. I am just coming to work and fulfilling my duties just to get paid. 
I wonder if I will feel like this all through my working life till I reach retirement age. Perhaps when I have my own company, I might start to look forward to Mondays again.
I am so bored right now. I don’t even know why I am writing. I am pretty sure this will be my most incoherent and uninteresting post yet. 

Today is unlike any day I have had for the past two months. Usually my day is so jam-packed with activities that keep me so busy that by the time I am done, all I have to do is fall asleep till the next day. Today is different. I did all I could possibly do with my free time yesterday. How silly of me. I should have left some chores for today.

So I go to church and come around noon. I already have a pre-cooked meal so I just warm it up, I dry the washed dishes, watch a movie and I check the time, it is still 2pm. I watch another movie and time suddenly has decided to stand still. I am out of what to do. I don’t look forward to going back to work tomorrow but I also do not want to be idle. I try to read a book, I drop it. Pick up another one, I drop that one too. Now I properly understand why listlessness is defined as having or showing little interest or no interest in anything. I do not even want to write anymore. Since I am out of things to do, I have decided to do something risky. I decide to post a sample of an imagination my very perverted brain churned up. 

I do this dance everyday. It’s impossible to sleep without going through the motions of this dance. Today I have refused to give in. But how can I not? It’s my lullaby. My brain is messed up I know that. But for my sanity and the peace of everyone I have to do this dance. They say insomnia causes irritability. I do not want to resort to benzodiazepines therefore this is my own form of sedative. I daydream it, and then I gradually fall asleep.




I close my eyes, this time we are at our house by the sea side. I hear the sound of the waves crashing over the shore. Breeze drifts in through the door kept ajar. You lounge against the door propped open, regarding me intensely. I squirm on the sofa, rather uncomfortable at the attention. Your sculpted lips twitch then, into a careless smile. 



For a brief second, I imagined bringing that chiseled jaw of yours down on mine and crushing my lips against yours. Only that you wouldn’t let me do that. Or rather I was currently immobile as you had me sprawled apart and bound to the sofa. I was yours to command. I sighed longingly and deeply then.

Of course, from the arrogant curve of your lips, you knew exactly what I was thinking. 


“Oh Alia…

You never learn do you. You can only sigh when I want you to.”


Your eyes blaze like the biblical furnace that I have heard stories of, and I feel your hunger as your eyes roams freely from my bosom and my desire tightens across my belly. 


In three short strides, you covered the distance between us. 



My gaze lingers at your folded sleeves, unbuttoned collar and loose tie, admiring the rippled rail-like tracks on your arm and imagining what it would feel like to unfasten the rest of your buttons and pull you free of them. They are only just blocking my view of course. I realised then, that I was staring. 



I heard a low growl and you sank into the sofa, your teeth nipping at my ears slowly and torturously. Your arms coiled around my waist, tightening possessively as you cradled my back. Your lips zigzagged it’s way from my ears to the tip of my nose, back to my eyelids. I moaned. I needed to feel your lips on mine now.


He tasted of lemon, gin and reckless abandon, and my lips parted instinctively as his tongue slid into my mouth. His kiss was forceful and I found myself slipping under his control, my body moulding against his as I quake under the heat of our embrace.

His tongue flicked against my teeth repeatedly, almost lazily, and my mouth opens wider, welcoming him in. 


He accepted, his tongue briefly skimmed around mine as if afraid to go any further, then he thrust his tongue deeper, drawing mine into his mouth and capturing it with a languid suction. My knees buckled at the reaction, he steadied me and pressed me closer, his body bracing me. His hand slipped from my waist to the small of my back. The intimacy of the gesture spurred my action and my fingers tangled into his curly hair as I held on to the kiss, certain I would fade to nothing without feeling his body crushed against mine.

The windows adrift brought in cold air, my already hardened nipples stiffened in response.

Okay… I think I can’t afford to go any further. When I am brave enough again, I will let you folks know.
Peace!!